ED

My post on Tuesday brought up two important topics.  The first being the well know saying 'don't judge a book by its cover' and the second being my desire to explain where I am with my struggles presently.  I'd like to deal with the latter point here.

Putting it out there as it is:

I struggle with food.  

I struggle with body image.

I struggle with weight.  

None of these I find easy to talk about.  Over the years I have come to accept that I have had clinical depression.  But I never wanted to admit that I had an eating disorder.  Maybe because the idea behind an eating disorder; the want to be thin, is not actually something I ever valued.  When I was growing up there was no pressure to look like a supermodel. I never really thought that being thin was an important ideal.  But what I did find as my depression worsened was that not eating gave me a feeling of control.  Control over my mood.  I found that the longer I didn't eat for, the more I would look forward to what I ate.  A warped concept, but I believed it to be true.  Over time, the restriction cycle had more and more uses.  It became a way to punish myself.  A way to punish others.  I got stuck in an extremely difficult cycle which I had no idea how to get out of.  

What I have learnt about eating disorders is that over time, they strengthen.  They start off as a small area of your life but they quickly become your main focus.  I spent years using food to manipulate my mood and it got to a point that I just couldn't stop the obsessive thoughts.  It became an escape from real life.  My desire to eat less, exercise more, and lose weight  did not help me though.  I would never be satisfied with what I had done, could never do enough and never be what I wanted to be.  It left me in more of an isolated place than ever.  What started as an answer to my depression, left me in a place so much worse than before!  I despised my body and I got caught up in the idea that being thin equalled happiness.  And as I see it written here, I laugh.  Because I know now something I didn't know before; that happiness comes from acceptance of ourselves.

I am not in that place any more.  I have worked hard (with a huge amount of help!) to overcome a lot of the negative feelings I have towards myself and my body. I do still worry about it all and it is still a daily battle.  It has been a part of my life for over 7 years and it is likely to take me a while to move away from it.  However it is at this point that I am making decisions as to how I want my life to continue.  I could stay still and continue where I am at the moment, or I could make changes.  I have managed to keep things steady for over a year now and now it is time for a change. I want to socialise, but it is difficult to socialise without food.  A get together mean food, holidays mean food, yomim tovim (Jewish Festivals) = food, shabbos (Sabbath) = food.  So to enjoy these aspects of life to the full, my relationship with food has got to change.

What I am trying to get at in this post is that I really want to show the world that I am better.  I really want to prove that food is not an issue any more.  But by pretending that I have no problems with it is denial.  I want people to know that going to a restaurant for me at the moment is huge.  And although I may not show it, it is difficult for me. And as I still struggle with letting go of the control, I find meals made by others hard.  Sometimes I may push myself to do it because I feel it is right, but I may feel guilty afterwards.  Sometimes you don't know where the line is between pushing yourself to get better and pushing yourself too far.

I will be going out to eat more and I will be attempting to eat more meals prepared by others.  I will overcome this.  But it will take time, patience and support.  Two years ago if I went to a restaurant it meant fasting the rest of the day to compensate.  Now I can make it a part of any normal day and it makes me happy that this is so.  The guilt will dissipate in time and the little ED voice that has taken residence in my head will shrink even smaller.  It may never disappear totally, but it will not take up the room it once did!

Thank you again for reading.  I am so glad that I have the amazing friendships I have.  Communicating where we are at and what is troubling us can only help - believe me!

Waffling over for the night! Xx