When Black Becomes a Rainbow

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post.  I'm sorry for those I may have hurt. Please know that however bad things are, it is not because people don't care, or that I feel they don't care.  I know you care so much and I can't even express what it means to me to have you asking me how I am when I write a post like my last one. I think it is difficult for me to explain how a person can have everything they could ever want but still feel the sadness and loneliness that depression brings.  I feel guilty that I have so much in my life yet still have times where I feel I have nothing and see no point. I feel ungrateful that I have you all routing for me, but I still have those nights. It seems unfair that time, money and energy is spent on helping me but I give in and let my depression take over. I think I need to remind myself and maybe those reading this that feeling depressed and low is not necessarily about what a person has materialistically - it needs

Sometimes I wish that living wasn't so hard.  That the feelings weren't so strong.  That I could see the light that everyone around me seems to see. I wish I didn't have to pretend that things were fine, that what I feel, can be shown.  That I don't have to feel ashamed of what goes on beneath the exterior. Engulfed by sadness, smothered by it. It is so hard and I don't have the answers. I want to help everyone but I can't help myself. It is pain so much deeper than a physical pain.  One that can't be described in words. Crying from the depths of my heart but no one can hear. Just me.  I want to be positive on here, I feel it is the expectation.  But I feel it is a lie to myself - and you - if I don't say this. That sometimes it feels like there is no way out, that things would be better without me around. That living with these feelings is not living. I can mute the feelings, I know how to keep them at bay.  But how long for? When

I haven't wanted to blog really because things haven't exactly been perfect.  But after an appointment with my dietitian on Thursday and talking about my blog she made me realise that no one expects me to be perfect. No one is reading this because they want to hear that all is swell.  I f I wait till things are perfect to write on the blog I may as well take it down right now.   As humans we are all prone to our ups and downs and that is okay. It would be kinda pointless (and might I add, rather incredulous) if I rambled on about the good in the world and how beautiful the weather in England was (leak in the hallway outside my bedroom ain't really making the weather here any more beautiful to me).  So I have given myself permission to express how things are.  It seems difficult to explain when one moment I am feeling reasonably stable, but the next second I feel I am back down where I was a decade ago. It sometimes feels like I am two different people. Maybe spli