This is me (part 1)

I haven't written for ages - I miss writing so much, but get so worried about sharing my thoughts to such a public forum. the knowledge that anyone anywhere can read this is what has held me back. However I need to remember I have nothing to hide; this is me!
This post is a very personal post and is one of a series I am planning on putting out there.  It is scary doing this, but having finally come to terms with my Autism diagnosis, I have finally been able to start putting the pieces of my life together. I am sharing this firstly for my own sake - I need to share; but I am also sharing it to raise awareness.  Awareness of conditions such as autism that may be very well hidden, but are there and very much in the foreground in every aspect of every day living.
So here goes...
My younger years:
From a very young age I found life difficult. Small things such as holding a pen like those around me or tying my laces in the 'normal' fashion were difficult. Change in schedules caused…

Blog post ideas

To all my readers

At my 5th year anniversary on this blog (yes, it's been that long!), I wanted to ask a favour from you - I would like to write more bog posts but can't decide where to start! I have a list of ones that may be helpful but would love feedback from those reading.

If any of the following pique your interest, just put the number in the comments below (can be done anonymously) or send me an email using the following link : Email me

The following is a list I made of things I personally would be interested in writing - I know this doesn't mean they'd be an interest for you - but any feedback would be amazing. If there is anything else you would be interested in knowing, please feel free to comment that too!

1. Living life on the Autistic Spectrum
2. TripAdvisor for mental health wards
3. Working with a mental illness
4. Learning to ask for help
5. Labels and their usefulness.
6. When things go wrong
7. A little on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
8. Processing and underst…

Kintsugi - the art of mending

I was recently sent this picture by someone. At the time I was in hospital and in truth, it meant nothing to me other than flippancy. To me it made light of my suffering. I never asked for cracks; I never wanted a broken mind. I didn't want to be repaired,  I wanted to be perfect. 

In all honesty, there have been many time in the past few years that I felt broken beyond repair. It's a scary feeling.

However this Japanese idea of kintsikuroi hit me last night when I went to play a game of netball. I used to  really enjoy this sport and was at one time quite good.  However, due to lengthy hospital stays, rapid weight gain and lack of confidence, I dropped out of the game. 

Last night I decided to go for it. It was a big step for me. However, I realised I was going to have to wear my short sleeve T-shirt (we play inside and it gets pretty warm!). But this would show my obvious 'cracks' - the places on my body that I have inflicted harm to myself when I have felt so low that …

Animal therapy (Piggies on Wheels)

So, winter has come upon us once again; and I, like most people, find this time of year to be a difficult one due to the depressive darkness and cold. However, on the up side, I have recently started to use the things in my life that keep me going on a daily basis to try help other people.

For those not in the know, I am the mother of 16(!) little fluffy things. I have 11 guinea pigs, 3 hamsters and 2 degus. These guys keep me occupied most of my free time and to be honest, are the only things that can get me out of bed most mornings.

Animals are amazing therapy when your'e feeling sad or low. They are so precious each in their own way and are thankfully more content with long silences and low eye contact than human beings seem to be! I mean how could you resist this face?!

I have recently made the slightly mad decision to start taking them out and about on wheels (well, in a pram) to visit people who need cheering up.

So far we have visited a Child and Adolescent Mental Health unit a…

Our Mental Health system

My toe is infected; it’s been an ongoing problem. I go to the GP and get referred to a specialist. The specialist decides to assess my toe. Apparently it will take some time to get to know the way my toe works and why it got infected.
The specialist has a team who are meant to be helping out but one member of the team unfortunately breaks the other foot instead. ‘Let’s ignore the broken foot’ they say. We’ll continue to look at why the toe has got infected. We’ll continue to assess not treat.'
The infection has spread by now to the whole foot. I now can’t walk. No treatment offered, no apology for the breaking of my foot. ‘We’ll keep assessing’ they say. One specialist leaves and another takes his place. ‘Well of course we have to start the assessment again - we don’t really know what the other specialist did in the 9 months he saw you, so we’ll start again. We’ll still ignore the broken foot and leave you to deal with that yourself.’

Another professional from a different hospital h…

Living nightmares

Depression is a living nightmare
Anxiety is horrendous
PTSD is pain beyond anything imaginable. 
Having ASD makes life generally difficult in so many ways. 
Losing a pet is soul destroying.
Feeling like you have ruined your family is guilt that can never go away.
But you know what's important? The visitors who have come, the messages I have received. The family members who treck a way to get here to visit. 
The staff on the ward here have been unbelievable. I feel so so lucky to be on this ward and have the support I have.
The psychiatrist i am under here is a trustee of the local farm and part of my care plan is to go there and see the piggies and small furries. 
Although things are beyond difficult in terms of the suicidal voices in my head, I feel like there may be a little bit of hope somewhere.
 Thank you to each and everyone of you who has been there for me. It means the world ❤️