Grief

9 months ago I lost my Dad to cancer.  Honestly I cannot believe it has been 9 month already.

The past year has been such a confusing time going through all the 'firsts' without him. This week we had Purim without him. Next month it will be Pesach.

It was only 2014 when we lost my paternal grandfather and only early 2016 that we laid my Dad's Mum to rest. My Dad was only 66 (just) when he passed and honestly it feels 'unfair' that he was taken so young.

My Dad was the kindest person I have ever known. He would give to everyone and anyone without a second thought. He had a love for life and all the small things that most people don't spare a thought to. He was so knowledgeable and held a ridiculous amount of information. He knew everything about anything and if you needed advice, Dad was who you turned to. 

In the last few months I have learnt so much about loss. Grief is not something one can describe or explain. Going through the process with my family, it is obvious that no two people go through the different stages at the same time. Denial, anger, depression, acceptance etc are all so chaotic. I wish I could know when it will hit me and often it is the weirdest things that trigger a memory.

This time last year my Dad was very unwell. The cancer that had originated in his kidney had already spread to his lungs, hip and spine.  When it spread to his bones and he then fell, he went through an elbow replacement, had a heart attack and so many other complications. I saw him in pain and couldn't understand how he could still be pushing for treatment, still take the pills that would cause him such discomfort and pain. If there was a treatment available, he took it. He somehow kept living despite all that was being thrown at him. He was not just the kindest person I knew, but the strongest person (as well as my Mum).

My family and I were gifted to have the last few days with my Dad in the hospital. The Marsden, where he was being treated were just unbelievably kind and caring. They allowed all the family to stay with him 24/7 and I feel we were so lucky to have had this. So many people especially over Covid, lost family and grieved alone. We had each other and we were able to be with him and hold his hand to the end.

The sadness is there all the time. What would Dad have said, what would Dad have done. The questions that we have unanswered, the clothes we have to go through, the paperwork that piles up. Sometimes this feels unsurpassable. But it is the good memories that keep him alive within us. The pictures I have with him are what I treasure and often look at.

I hope it is ok to say - that although I miss my Dad so much, I am thankful he is no longer in pain.