When hospital cannot heal

Just over 3 years ago I wrote a blog post about my experiences on a psych ward. I wrote about the more positive aspects of being in hospital, the support I received and just generally making light of my time spent on the ward.

 I do that. I try to make light of things. I just want everyone around me to be happy; and my way of managing this and controlling this is by showing that all is going well.

 But today I am not sugar coating. Psych wards are not fun.  There are very few positives that can come from being in one, and my experiences last year are ones I would not wish on anyone. I can't and won't go into detail, however it is safe to say that I am scarred. I trusted when I shouldn't have done and the consequences of this lead to 6 months in 9 different wards and some shocking 'care' in the hand of the NHS. Last year I lost my job, the majority of my friends and a large part of myself. I lost confidence in myself and most of society.

 I still have flashbacks from hospital.  I still struggle to stop myself imagining myself back there, helpless and hopeless; stuck in an abyss of loneliness and sadness, reliant on strangers to take care of me.

 Last year I was in hospital on my birthday. I didn't see myself living another year. I hope that this year will be different and that I will be able to celebrate as a 28 year old would.

 I have almost been out of hospital a year and I am proud of where I am, but still finding it hard to see a way forward. 

 I am so sorry for being so depressing on here.  When I first started this blog I was in such a good place that I wanted to share my experiences.  I feel guilty to use it for anything other than 'success stories', however this is my life.  This is what I promised when I said I wanted to be open and honest. 

 Thank you as always for supporting me 

 Rivkah x

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