Sometimes I wish...

Sometimes I wish that living wasn't so hard.  That the feelings weren't so strong.  That I could see the light that everyone around me seems to see.

I wish I didn't have to pretend that things were fine, that what I feel, can be shown.  That I don't have to feel ashamed of what goes on beneath the exterior.

Engulfed by sadness, smothered by it. It is so hard and I don't have the answers. I want to help everyone but I can't help myself.

It is pain so much deeper than a physical pain.  One that can't be described in words. Crying from the depths of my heart but no one can hear. Just me. 

I want to be positive on here, I feel it is the expectation.  But I feel it is a lie to myself - and you - if I don't say this. That sometimes it feels like there is no way out, that things would be better without me around. That living with these feelings is not living.

I can mute the feelings, I know how to keep them at bay.  But how long for? When can I expect to feel better?  When can I be that person I see walking down the street living their dreams? Someone fulfilling the expectations of everyone around her? I am so scared, I am paralysed; locked in a place of pretence to keep a 'brave face'. My fear is that the cracks will show. The cuts will be seen. The inside will become the outside and there will be no life. I am scared and I wish I could stop this.


I feel weak, I am giving in - letting the behaviours that have helped me over the years to be the sole method to get through the night. I want to be strong but it isn't happening tonight.  I feel a fraud to say I am fine when I am not.  Perfection isn't what I am looking for tonight - just hope; searching for meaning that maybe I have a purpose. What am I doing and where am I heading? I sometimes wonder if my purpose even exists.

I normally like to end with something positive and I wish I could. But just for once I am going to leave that positive space blank; I can't do it tonight... Instead I will put a link to the first website that comes up on Google search when I am feeling bad:

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