I know you care

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post.  I'm sorry for those I may have hurt.

Please know that however bad things are, it is not because people don't care, or that I feel they don't care.  I know you care so much and I can't even express what it means to me to have you asking me how I am when I write a post like my last one.

I think it is difficult for me to explain how a person can have everything they could ever want but still feel the sadness and loneliness that depression brings.  I feel guilty that I have so much in my life yet still have times where I feel I have nothing and see no point. I feel ungrateful that I have you all routing for me, but I still have those nights. It seems unfair that time, money and energy is spent on helping me but I give in and let my depression take over.

I think I need to remind myself and maybe those reading this that feeling depressed and low is not necessarily about what a person has materialistically - it needs to be viewed as a separate entity. Depression doesn't discriminate; it isn't only an illness affecting a certain group of people or a specific personality type, it can hit anyone at anytime. I could be on holiday in the Bahamas (not necessarily the destination of my choice!) and still feel the same way I felt the other night.

It is a natural to feel guilty when you see someone you love or care for struggling. But it isn't a reflection of your care or love or support when  the person you are caring for is going through a rough patch. It is merely a reflection of an illness.

I just wanted to say that I slipped up, that things felt out of control. It isn't an admission of defeat and it was not meant to upset anyone. There are ups and downs on this rollercoaster of a life and I am still trying to get the stability I have been searching for all this time.

8 years ago I would never have thought I would be able to explain the sadness I felt. Now I can describe it I want you to know what it feels like sometimes. And maybe my expressing those 'dark' thoughts means that someone else who is feeling that way may feel  less alone.

Thank you again to those who are still reading and still supporting me through this journey...

Comments

  1. Anonymous11 November 2013 at 23:43

    Thanks for blogging Rivkah, been worrying...Admire you so much for being so articulate, and sharing when it's probably the last thing you want to do. Love you so much. Always here and always davening. Keep going, you are so special to us all,
    Hugs and kisses, S xxxx

    ReplyDelete

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