Nobody's perfect

I haven't wanted to blog really because things haven't exactly been perfect.  But after an appointment with my dietitian on Thursday and talking about my blog she made me realise that no one expects me to be perfect. No one is reading this because they want to hear that all is swell.  If I wait till things are perfect to write on the blog I may as well take it down right now.  As humans we are all prone to our ups and downs and that is okay. It would be kinda pointless (and might I add, rather incredulous) if I rambled on about the good in the world and how beautiful the weather in England was (leak in the hallway outside my bedroom ain't really making the weather here any more beautiful to me). 

So I have given myself permission to express how things are.  It seems difficult to explain when one moment I am feeling reasonably stable, but the next second I feel I am back down where I was a decade ago.

It sometimes feels like I am two different people. Maybe split between the night and day Rivkah, or the work and home Rivkah.  Sometimes it is the social and lonely Rivkah or the outside and inside Rivkah.  They are dichotomous, at either ends of the extremes and trying to understand that they are both a real part of me isn't easy.  I sometimes wonder if someone who saw me at either extreme would even see me as the same person.  I think we all have that part of us where we have an 'alter-ego', we have another side to us when we are alone. Sometimes though it does feel like it is more difficult when your 'good' side and your 'bad' side are so extreme.  I feel constantly at war, trying to listen to both sides of the argument. Trying to rationalise the reasoning behind both parts of me at the same time as trying to live.  

The thoughts are loud.  Particularly the ones concerning the eating disorder.  I feel a little bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.  One side pulling at me desperately seeking 'normality',  trying to find a way that I can live normally and be flexible, do whatever I want without worrying about food and weight. I want to be back in a place where I feel confident whatever I am wearing, feel relaxed when I think about meeting up with friends, eat when my body tells me I need to.  But the other part doesn't want that. It wants me to be sad, miserable, lonely.  It wants me to wallow and be restricted. 

I am trying to fight it.  I don't need to lose weight to be happy.  I know all the logic, I have been there and done that.  But once again, the hardest battle is what I know versus what I feel. Knowledge can only take us so far, but it is the practice that helps us move on.

So I am doing my best to keep to my meal plan, and even if it means going a step back and counting calories to ensure I get the right amount in, I will do it.  Because I know that where I am now is not where I want to be tomorrow, next week and most certainly not next year.  There is so much more to life and I KNOW it. Just gotta keep reminding myself.  I wish it wasn't so hard.

Nobody's perfect... Just saying.

R x