Lobsters

Hey!

I hope you can forgive me for the sheepy post from last night.  For some odd reason, it gave me some relief to be able to share my insomnia with the world at large.  I only hope that tonight will be an improvement (both sleep-wise and in my post on here!).  

I hate not being able to fall asleep, as do most people I assume!  It really makes you realise how little control you actually have over your life!  The most aggravating part is that  the thoughts that come up at night are the ones that you can't do anything about whilst lying in bed.  So why worry?  I guess if it were so easy we wouldn't have the condition called insomnia.  But it is so important to remind myself again and again that worrying doesn't get me anywhere, especially not when lying in a horizontal position wearing my [Care Bear] pyjamas under my [extremely warm and cosy] duvet.

Okay so I realise my biggest worry at the moment is about what my future holds.  Not so big a deal then.  Well, maybe it is.  But seriously, what can I do about it?  

I can plan, I can decide how I can move on from where I am now.  I can allow myself to actually have hopes and dreams maybe?  Until recently I lacked the ability to even think about what would interest me and what I wanted from my life.  So now I am one step further.  I realise I cannot stay where I am.  But that is what paralyses me and puts me in that place where I worry.  All the time.  Worrying worrying worrying. You aren't worrying now, why are you not worrying Rivkah? C'mon worry.

So I sit back now and I try and think how I can make a little change.  I believe that worry (to a certain extent) is what will get me to make a change.  And as long as I can let myself think about the change, I hope that I will lay off the worry.

It actually reminds me of an insight I saw in a book by Rabbi Abraham J Twerski.  He explained how the anatomy of a lobster is similar to the way in which a human being can look at growth.  For a lobster to grow, it needs to shed its shell.  Each time it sheds it shell it can then regrow its newer, bigger and more spacious one.  So without the pain of the shell getting too tight, the lobster would never know that it needs to grow.  So too with us human beings, without the pain and worry, we cannot grow.  I cannot become a greater and better person if I am complacent.  Allowing ourselves to remain in the place we are does not give us the satisfaction or happiness we deserve.

So, for those who know me and my love for animals (especially the stuffed kind), can you now see why??? They can teach us amazing lessons.  

So my little step for this evening; to write a list of goals, big and small, that I would like to reach.  Even if the likelihood of them hapenning is next to zero.  If it something that interests me I shall write it down! Whether I share it on here will depend; but for now I will keep it offline!

Thank you all once again for supporting me.

Sleep tight all you insomniacs out there (and if sheep counting don't work, try Phenergan!).