The morning after...

Sending this out last night was possibly the scariest thing I have done.  Ever.  

Opening up my secrets to those around me felt like peeling off a layer of myself,  exposing my worst parts.  But I am so glad.  I woke up this morning afraid that I had lost all those around me.  Maybe I had driven people away.  But no.  My friends are still there, and  I think I may have conquered my biggest fear; the fear of being 'found out'.  I do hope that this means that others can do it too.

I haven't yet managed to post this to Facebook.  Maybe I need to give myself time.  What I am realising again and again is that my fear of being judged is in reality just my fear of myself.  It is a crafty mechanism to stop me engaging with those around me.  Depression tells you that you don't deserve to be with people.  You are not worthy of having fun.  Happiness and friendship is for good people, not for you Rivkah.

But who defines good?  Are we not all made up of many different components   Don't we all have good and bad within us?  Why should I not be considered a good person?  There are so many shades of grey in the world (I kinda wanted to call this blog 'Shades of Grey', but then wisely decided that it may not be the best choice of names!), and I know now that if I want to get rid of this illness, black and white thinking has GOT to go.

Sun is shining :)




Comments

  1. Anonymous2 December 2012 at 15:30

    Omg u r amazing! Everyone out there look at this girl! She is an inspiration to me and. Anyone! I'm so so proud of u and love u so so much! U have come so far and u r the bestest best friend I can ever wish for! I'm an so lucky to have u! Mwa love u. Forever!love estush! Xxxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Rivkah3 December 2012 at 21:20

    Thanks Estush! And thank you for always being there for me!!! Xx

    ReplyDelete

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