A little on depression

Ok, as many of you may have noticed I have gone totally public (well, totally Facebook public rather than an article in the Daily Telegraph).

Thank you to all of you who have shared this blog, 'liked' my Facebook page or checked out my website.  For every time you do this you spread the word further. I don't want to drive people crazy (or in some cases, crazier!), but I want this to reach as many people as possible; and I cannot do this without your help!  If every person I know sent this to 10 people, think of how many thousands of people it could touch throughout the world!!!!

When conversing with a friend the other day about this blog, I came to the realisation that although I have spoken a lot about mental illness and depression, I haven't really explained exactly what the symptoms are in general and how a person who is depressed will feel. I have explained a little here about clinical depression, but I am thinking it may be helpful to detail a little more on this blog itself.

There are many different levels of depression.  Most people will identify with some of the things I have said I have felt in the past, so it can be seen that we are ALL on the same spectrum, just some further along than others.

Clinical depression is an overwhelming sadness; a huge weight pressing down on your whole body.  Like being in a dark maze with no visible way out.

My first response to the feelings of sadness was to isolate.  Those around me were talking about clothes, shopping and other 'frivolities' (as I felt them to be at the time).  I was thinking about the point of life.  Staying by myself meant I was able to think.  I needed to find answers to my questions.  However, the more I thought and the more I isolated, the harder it was to engage in real life.  I was worn out from just thinking.

Although I was obviously not 'right', I could not understand what was wrong.  It was only when I started feeling physically unwell, that I felt able to visit my GP.  I couldn't go to the GP to say I was feeling empty or that I couldn't get out of bed, but I could say I had headaches and a sore throat.  For physical illnesses were real and these could be dealt with.  Or not.  I must have visited my Doctor's surgery once a week for about 3 months.  Blood tests, questions, suggestions, but nothing to say that there was anything wrong with me other than a virus.  And things only got worse.  Food meant nothing to me, and although I spent all day in bed I slept very little.  My days consisted of laying in bed, listening to LBC(!) and waiting... What I was waiting for I don't know.

So there was sadness, lack of energy, physical pains, loss of appetite and sleep. But the worst part was yet to come; the loss of all feeling whatsoever.  I can't explain to you what it means to look at something, knowing that it is beautiful in your head, but not being able to understand what its beauty means.   Every time I look at that picture of my holiday with my family in Cornwall in 2007, standing with the back drop of something that looked like it was from a postcard, all I see is emptiness inside of me.  There was something missing.  This is what is known as 'anhedonia'.

Needless to say, most people who have felt this bad will at some point question their point to being in the world.  This is probably the hardest symptom to write about.  I don't think anyone who hasn't been depressed can understand what a person must be feeling to think about suicide.  To be honest it scares me to explain it and I am unsure why.  Maybe because the sense of hopelessness and helplessness that a person must feel to think these thoughts are not something even possible to give credit to in writing.  But although I am finding it hard to write about it, I am still going to.  Because it is a real symptom.  It does not mean a person is crazy.  It means they have got to a point where they don't know how to deal with the pain.

They say that 'suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' and although this holds truth, it is not as simple as that.  Because when someone feels that bad, the problems and pain they are facing appear in all manner of ways to be permanent.  It is the fear of being alive but not living that takes a person to a place where they want it all to end.

There is no answer to the feelings.  I know that it will always be a bruise that I have to be careful not to touch.  Once a person breaks a leg in a certain place, they will always have a weakness in that spot. Once a person has got to that point in their thoughts, I don't believe it can ever disappear completely.  I can't say I don't have times when I want to end things.  But I now have the knowledge and hindsight to show me that the pain does end.  It is temporary and as long as you can push yourself through the hard few minutes, hours or days, you WILL come out of that space.  What I do know now is that I can ride through the difficult times and I can come out the other side much much stronger.

Depression is not a weakness.  It is not being crazy.  It is a chemical imbalance and can be cured.  If you feel low, get help, don't try and fight it alone.

I don't like sounding cliche but it is difficult not to when writing about these topics.  All I am doing is writing from the heart.  I hope it helps someone...

Keep sharing Xx