Balance

I have been putting off writing properly for almost a week now, waiting for my thoughts to calm down a little so I can make some sense of them.  

I was given the news last week that my position at work was being made redundant.  Yes, for the third time in my work life I have been made redundant.

It has taken me a few days to come to terms with the situation and what it all means. Oddly enough though, my first questions to myself were not 'what do I do?' or 'where do I go from here?', but 'how do I react?' and 'how much can I allow myself to feel?'.

I am not a mind-reader and I do not know what goes on in anyone else's head, but I assume that when a difficult situation comes up, a 'normal' person will feel sad, angry or confused; but they won't question whether they are allowed to feel the emotion, or whether the particular emotion they are feeling is fitting to the situation. What they feel is what they feel and that doesn't really matter.

For anyone recovering from an emotional disorder, the task of finding the balance in emotions will be an extremely difficult one.  When in the depths of depression, a person will find they are tearful and anxious even when things seem to be going well for them. For it is not the physical environment that causes the low mood (though this of course will play a part), but what is happening within.  A person in recovery may therefore attempt to go to the other extreme; throwing sadness and fear out the window totally for fear of the sadness being all-consuming again.

One of my coping mechanisms over the years has been to 'numb' myself as a way of stopping my sadness taking over.  I won't allow myself to become a part of a situation that could bring up strong memories or emotions, be it happy or sad.  As with everything else in my life, emotions to me have always been black and white. If I allow myself to feel sad, this will engulf me and suffocate me until I give up.  By stepping back, I have lost connection with others, giving me much less chance of being hurt.  However now that I am engaging in life in so many more ways, I have to learn to deal with reality; that difficult things do happen and ignoring reality is not living.

The situation at work is a reminder that if I want recovery, I need to learn that it sometimes is appropriate to feel sad or 'down'.  A blanket rule never to feel sad again isn't normal as much as the constant feeling of sadness. Like everything else in life, a balance is required.

My fear has always been that something bad will happen and just push me over the edge.  However, I realise more and more that this can not come about unless I allow it to do so.  Life may be tough, but so am I.  I haven't failed until now so what makes this situation any different?  I have been to hell and back.  I have beaten so much and nothing NOTHING will bring me down.  Everything that happens is for a reason, and I have seen that time and time again.  Each knock has only made me stronger.

What happens next is not within my control.  I have done my utmost best to work with the situation and I believe that what will be will be. Time will tell what is next in line for me.  But I am ready for it whatever it may be.

Thank you to my colleagues who have been so so supportive, you know who you are!

I'll keep you updated.  Have an amazing week!