Expectation Vs reality

Feel like my posts are a bit like the buses; none at all and then WOOSH 2 in a row!

Have been feeling a little wobbly the past couple of nights; struggling a bit with 'the thoughts' - the ones that seem to want to make me feel I am worthless, the thoughts that tell me that giving up would be a good option and that if I go out running for hours on end, I will feel better. Gah.

Once again my rational head is questioning these feelings. I know that I am not worthless, I know that things aren't hopeless and that giving up can never achieve anything. I also know that going for an endless run is not going to solve any problems. 

So need to think about how I get through these thoughts:

  • I know I can get through them because I have got through them thousands of times before.
  • This is what recovery sometimes has to be - two steps forward and one step back (and NOT vice versa)
  • Feeling low does not mean I am back to square one.
  • Feeling low is a part of human nature. 
  • Things normally feel better in the morning and I must hang onto that.
  • To feel better about myself, I need to at least try look after myself; it will sink in eventually.
  • There are many people out there who care about me and who want to help me
  • Similarly there are many people out there I care about and who I want to help!
  • Holding onto the fact that I KNOW THESE THOUGHTS ARE NOT MINE BUT MY INNER BULLY'S - at least I can now distinguish between the two!
Recovery from any illness will have hiccoughs; nothing in this world is perfect and it is not meant to be. But each day I get through, I am striving towards being 'better'.

In the past I have used coping mechanisms that although may have helped me in the [very] short-term, they are not what are going to get me through life.  Using food to control your emotions, exercising obsessively and self-harming just take your emotions away for a little while and numb your inner pain, but in reality - they are nothing but a plaster over a deep wound. I don't want to give into my inner bullies.

I am allowed to be anxious about a new job. I don't need to be strong all the time.  I can struggle like everyone else. And this is testimony to that. 

Nobody's meant to be perfect. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Another day, another post...

Image
My pledge to put this on Facebook has been placed on hold for the moment.  For now I am just going to send it to at least one person every day.  Slowly but surely I will conquer the world! Seriously it is getting easier though.  I haven's lost anyone as of yet.  If anything it has drawn me closer to the people I know.  And for that I am thankful.  Not just for that, but for all I have gone through in my life. Nothing happens without reason.  I may not have seen that 2 years ago, or even 6 months ago, but with hindsight I can see and appreciate the path my life has taken.  I often wonder what my life would have been without depression.  Where would I be now?  Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have my career as a top lawyer set out for me?  I used to compare myself to the world around me and see how far behind I was.  Everyone seemed to be moving on and I was stuck in a little hole.  The probl...
Read more

On therapy and therapists Part I

It feels like an age since I last wrote on here though it has only been three days. I kind of miss not writing every day but I must admit I do not have the emotional capacity to do so! A lot of things have come up in the past few days, yet I have still felt this strange emptiness.  The feeling that I have opened myself up to the world and have nothing left to give.  It scares me.  However, given the amount of talking I managed to do in therapy today I see that me running dry of thoughts and words is a highly unlikely phenomena -  in the near future at least! Therapy.  I haven't really spoken much about therapy and the people who have helped me get to where I am. I don't think this is the appropriate place to write anything in specific detail, but I suppose a brief understanding of what has helped me in a therapist/client relationship may help others to see what could make therapy work for them. I think I should start off with a confession. ...
Read more

Love thy neighbour

Image
So exhausted, but desperate to post. So much on my mind and need to spill some out on here. I take no responsibility for anything I say after 2230 generally as I turn into a pumpkin; but I'll make an exception tonight! Anyway, something I have been wondering about for a while now and would love to hear what you think!   My query is about a phrase in Vayikra (Leviticus 19:18) (also sung by the Yeshiva Boys Choir!). "והבתה לרעך כמוך" [Veohavta lerayacha kemocha] - "Love thy neighbour as thyself" The translation of this sentence is self explanatory. We must love our 'neighbour' (not to be taken literally of course; dependent on where you live or how much noise they make) as we love ourselves. The implication of this is that we love ourselves. For if we do not love ourselves, how can we do this for others. In effect, by filling ourselves with a sense of hatred, harming ourselves in some way or by not caring for ourselves, we are in turn en...
Read more