Rivkah 1 - 0 Eating Disorder

On Thursday last week, I accomplished something I hadn't believed possible for quite some time...

...I went out to eat at a Kosher restaurant and ordered (and ate) a Thai meal and a desert.

Ok, it sounds rather pathetic when I write it out on here, but seeing as prior to this I hadn't been for a proper meal in a kosher restaurant without fasting before and afterwards, or without walking half way to Land's End and back, I think I can pat myself on the back when I think of this achievement.  

Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder will understand the disproportionate amount of fear that comes with going out to eat.  The fear of not knowing anything about the food beforehand and the inability to quantify the calorific intake in any way is quite scary.  For me, the thought of eating something 'unknown' set off the irrational side of me.  I believed if I were to eat a meal like the one on Thursday, I would immediately gain a huge amount of weight and would lose control totally on all my food choices afterwards.  

I have now been working on my eating disorder slowly but surely for almost a year and a half.  After seeing my therapist for almost 6 months in 2011, we agreed that it had got to a point that I needed to get proper help with stabilising my eating and my weight.  She introduced me to the most wonderful Dietician.  Seeing a new person was in itself a huge step for me, but relinquishing control over my food and exercise was even bigger!  I started a meal plan and began to try get my chaotic eating under control.  I slowly added more variety into my diet planning 3 proper meals a day.   A couple of months later I was lucky enough to start attending a daycare service programme once a week.  It was here that I gained a huge wealth of knowledge about myself, about my disorder and how I could stand up to it and move on with my life.

I learnt that my eating disorder was an addiction.  Something that would never go away if I continued feeding into it.  It is like a spoilt child; the more you give it, the more it wants.  I learnt the biology of what different food groups do for the body; why we need fats, carbohydrates and proteins for our heart to beat, our major organs to just keep working on a daily basis.  These facts won't necessarily sink in whilst one is still in a restrictive place, for when a person is at the deep end of the eating disorder, logic does not come in anywhere.  However I was lucky enough to be in a strong enough place in my head where I wanted to move away from the disorder.  I was seeing more and more that it was ruining any kind of life or friendship I wanted to rebuild.  I knew that if I didn't deal with it then, sooner or later I would have no choice in the decision whether to deal with it or not.

The groups were interesting and covered a wide range of topics. Once again, I met some amazing fellow patients, many of whom I look up to so much for battling so hard to get to where they are now.  The biggest lessons I took away from my time there though were the practical ones.  My meals before going into daycare were dare I say ridiculous, laughable, not even meals.  Calories were constantly being calculated and recalculated.  I thought it was something I liked doing, a hobby.  And that is how ED is so crafty.  Once I started on the day programme I realised that to restrict to the bare minimum will leave you living the bare minimum.

I learnt over the 9 months that I could eat a bowl of pasta cooked by someone else, or a sandwich without the nutritional values on the label.  Instead of allowing numbers to override the taste of a food, I would allow myself to eat a food because I wanted it.  I started breaking down the invisible walls slowly.  I spent half an hour sitting with a 'key-worker' each week to plan my meals for the week and what ingredients I would need to buy to ensure I kept to plan.  Each week I would add one more 'scary' ingredient.  Sometimes succeeding and sometimes knowing I would need to repeat the meal to ensure I felt ok with it

The past few months I have started eating from the canteen at work, I have been buying food without nutritional values on and I have started to trust my head in deciding when I am hungry or full.  Numbers are almost off the radar for me now.  It is hard, and I still find it difficult some days to allow myself to eat something made by someone else.  I think I will always be a calorie database because I am a number person anyway; but I don't ever want to go back to counting them and letting them rule my day.

The meal last week Thursday was with my Dietician.  She took the time to come out with me to a popular Kosher restaurant to help me face my biggest fears.  I realised once we had completed the meal how far I had come.  I am embarrassed that it is such a big deal in my head, but those who have suffered in this way will know what I mean.  This particular meal was something I really wanted to try but thought would never manage it.  And I did! 

Rivkah     1  -  0     Eating Disorder 

I am ready to do this meal again - who's going to take me out?!!