"She's back!"

Right. You have my full attention now... So here goes!

I have really wanted to blog for so long now, but have found it really difficult to get my head together and even start a post. There is so much to say, but there appears to be a difference between what goes on in my mind and what a normal human would be able to comprehend (story of my life).

It has been a difficult time, but with a lot of amazing support from some great people, I would like to call these few weeks a blip rather than a full-on relapse. My friends, family and 5 star professional network have got me back on track and I am forever grateful to you - you know who you are!

The lights were turned off for a little while, and what scared me most about this latest difficult episode was that I had no idea it was coming. It just jumped on me. Suddenly I lost the ability to see anything outside of the depression (and subsequently the ED), no enjoyment in life and 'the thoughts' hijacked my every move.

If I knew what had caused this episode, I would possibly feel like I could be wary for the future, but that is what is making it so difficult - this didn't come about because of a particular trigger, but just decided to pop in for tea and outstayed its welcome. I am ashamed to say that I did not recognise him at first. He hasn't been around for years, so how did he slip in?

I never thought I would go back into hospital again.  I never thought that things could get so bad, but they did and I will accept that and use the experience to show myself that sometimes a little extra support is ok and to ask for help is ok.

Thankfully I am seeing things in a different light again. Maybe due to the realisation that I once again am at the point where have the choice where I want to go with the illness.  I could stay with it, allow it to reside within me for the rest of my life.  I could allow myself to curl back into a ball and try and forget that there is a real world to live in and partake in. However, I know that from the last few months, there is so much more to life than this. I can go out and enjoy myself.  I can go to a restaurant without ED perching on my shoulder. I can be a TV star should I really want! I can get out of this place as long as I make the right choices now.

The process was always going to be one with ups and downs.  Recovery was always going to be two steps forward and one step back. I used to feel it was the other way around and that instead of progressing I was slowly falling backwards. It wasn't true. Everything has pulled me a little bit further along this weird path of recovery and I just hope that should the black cloud loom up on me again, I will ask for the support before it gets overwhelming.  This was all part of the learning curve.

Ok, I'll leave it there for now, but just to let you know that I am back on this blog for good. Not gonna abandon you again! 

 Oh, and I have found a new (helpful) obsession/positive distraction - JIGSAWS! I have completed probably about 4 a week in the past month. Whoops.


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