"Trying to figure out this life"



I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know
'Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Oh why is everything so confusing
Maybe I'm just out of my mind

It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand?
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

Take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you...

(I'm With You - Avril Lavigne)


Not a very inspirational post, just a little glimpse into the loneliness I am battling at the moment. I don't usually listen to lyrics of songs; I find myself connecting to the music more than anything else. But many of the lyrics of this song hit me this evening.

I almost feel guilty to write a blog post about this loneliness. I feel bad that I can't end this post saying I feel hopeful at this moment - because I don't. I know at the back of my mind that these feelings will pass, and that I won't feel alone forever, but in this moment it is hard not to feel the pain of the intense loneliness.

There are people there to support me, but they can only be there so far. How can I expect anyone to be there for me at all times? I should be able to deal with everything on my own. I should be able to deal with this loneliness...alone.

 It feels impossible to connect at the moment.  I almost feel like I am on another planet to everyone around me; like people in the world don't actually see me. It is hard to feel I am actually living. I don't know if I am...

Just got to get through each day, each hour, each minute - anything more than that seems to be an unmanageable task. I just hope I can find the strength within me; because no-one else can do it for me.

"Trying to figure out this life"


Comments

  1. Anonymous12 May 2013 at 17:46

    its so hard being lonely. I feel for you sister. Know that even with a good man and wonderful kids you still get lonely days - thinking people will always have their sadness and you are one thinking girl.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous15 May 2013 at 00:37

    Come meet for a coffee after Sukkot. Angela

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shana28 May 2013 at 13:11

    Hullo love :)

    Existential Loneliness, some people experience it really intensely. Maybe try reading 'The lonely man of faith' by J.B. Soloveitchik (if you can get your head around the vocab...).

    Perhaps the philosophies that it espouses can help to allay the friction or disparity between the metaphysical of the spiritual and the banal mundanities of the physical. This is often the root of existential loneliness. We try to live two types of existence. Every human does. Even someone completely lacking religion taps into ideas of spirituality and a higher purpose. We can't but. It's how humans are hard-wired. If there's nothing higher to live for - then what purpose do I have and of what intrinsic worth am I? The ultimate depressive will deny any purpose of his or her existence (this is by no means an exclusive type of depressive). So we find something to encapsulate that yearned-for spirituality, be that G-d or Buddha or Zen or yogi or some type of thought or cause. And yet at the same time we're still chasing the banalities of this world and get stuck in the muck and mire of life as we experience it. Most of us can't help but get caught up in it.

    There is a stark metaphysical distance between the two and they continually come into conflict unless we can learn to harness them and allow them to sit comfortably side by side, if this is at all possible? I don't know - there's still plenty of frictions and doubts for me!!! :) But I think that's normal, just some people experience it more intensely than others - some are simply more aware than others, for the better or worse. How can I be so spiritually in tune while living such an ordinary life? Why do I go to work, to make money for what? How come I exist on this plane? Soloveitchik identifies the internal, hugely personal struggle. I may be wrong, but I think that's also partially the idea behind Megillas Kohelles, where Shlomo Hamelech laments everything in this world as 'futile'. Not sure... open to response. ANyway, as I said, for the better or the worse - does this struggle make a person more human? Does it make a person's purpose greater? Does it give a person's avodas Hashem more worth? Who knows! If you experience it, try to harness it and understand it for what it is, try to appreciate the depths and the absolute beauty of the philosophy behind it. Because the idea itself if beautiful, you've got to admit, even if experiencing it tangs of bitterness and sorrow. But I think (imho) that indicates a closeness to G-d. SO I think it's special.

    I suppose I could turn chassidish here and reference the gashmius and the ruchnius, and our role to elevate the one into the other, but I don't think you particularly want to hear that :)

    Shana

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shana28 May 2013 at 13:14

    Lols btw - my torah response to Avril :p
    You gotta laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown31 May 2013 at 15:33

      Hi, that was v interesting. I agree that lamenting the lack of purpose in one's life can indicate a certain sensitivity that many don't possess. Drawing such messages from unlikely sources is a skill which is very scarce.
      Someone once told me that when they were depressed they felt angry at H' and later felt guilty because of it. One day someone told them that the very fact that they were angry with Him proved that they believed. I had a similar experience when trying to have the correct intentions when putting on tefillin, if G-d can really do everything then why am I so sad? Maybe that in itself showed that I believed He could
      make me better.

      Delete

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