Feelings (Guest post: Anonymous)

Another great post sent to me today; albeit anonymously. I think this post shows how much of a struggle it can be to live as well as love, look after and support those around you when you are dealing with physical and or psychological illnesses as well.  The post is extremely poignant and I hope it shows others that they are not alone.  I am sure that there are many people out there who can relate to the experience detailed here. I hope that this can help anyone out there confused by the feelings they have to search for the help that they need.

'Feelings'

(Anonymous) 

"After I had my first child I thought I felt fine, I was a new mother after all, what could possibly be the problem?! Well, Bh little boys keep their mummys busy and to be honest when he was only 8 months old, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Everything was going well, my baby was developing well, I was back at work and then I found out I was pregnant again. Bh it was a good pregnancy and if you took a look at me, you'd see a happily pregnant woman with her toddler. But, no one seemed to look closely; no one knew that deep down I was petrified. Would I be able to care for this unborn child, how will I manage 2 children under 2 whilst my health is not exactly up to scratch? I just didn't know how I was going to cope. 

Just over 4 weeks before my due date, my second child arrived into the world. I couldn't have felt happier! The pregnancy was great, the labour was fine and the birth was so easy compared to the last time.  I even managed to nurse my little man with no complications with him gaining weight all the time. I was in my element.  

But then, I stopped to think, something just wasn't quite right, I hadn't felt this way with my first, what was wrong with me?! Did I love one of my kids more than the other already at such tender ages, it couldn't be! I spoke to my health visitor about my feelings and she suggested post natal depression. She gave me a questionnaire to fill out regarding my feelings. She did this a couple of times before she told me maybe I should speak to my GP about it. It took me a couple of months to pluck up the courage to go to my GP, but I did it. When I was there talking to her about things with her asking me various questions, I realised that the feelings I was having had actually been going on for much longer than I thought. She referred me to see a therapist. 

About 4 months later, I finally got to see the therapist; he just wanted to talk to me about my feelings etc. He said it sounds like moderate depression and anxiety, and would I like to see a regular therapist.  I jumped at the idea, finally someone to talk to about my feelings who won't judge me, who doesn't know me from Adam, who will just listen to what I have to say. 

I received my appointment to see the CBT therapist about 2 months after the initial appointment. That was today. I was nervous all morning. I didn't go into work; I knew I just wouldn't be able to concentrate. But when I came out, I heaved a sigh of relief! I felt better, someone listened to me, they didn't interrupt me, and they tried to understand me! I almost felt great! And I'm going back next week.  

Having depression, for me, means that most of the time I feel low, feeling rubbish, with no desire to do anything. I could be sat in front of something I need to do for a good hour ignoring it, and it’s not because I'm lazy! It means getting irritated at the slightest thing. It also means that I put on a show for the outside world so only my family knows the real me. 

Having anxiety for me, is even worse. You see, I have social anxiety. If I'm going out, it will take me all day to mentally prepare myself, and even then I'm not ready. I'll make excuses that always seem feasible as to why I can't get out and no one questions so I continue doing it. And then, if I actually do get out, I feel like a lemon. I'm the one you'll see sat by herself. I'm the one who makes awkward or no conversation when she comes in. I'm the one who hopes no one has noticed her and prays no one will come over to speak to her. I'm the one who always checks if simchas and get togethers are mixed or separate, if they're mixed, at least I'll know one person who I can speak to!  

I'm also the one who always seems unhappy and who doesn't walk with a straight back. Who sees herself as a nothing, a speck of dust, as a loner."

As an afterthought, this made me realise too how we all feel we are alone in our pain and struggles yet there are so many people out there feeling a similar pain. Speaking, opening up, being open-minded never killed anyone!

I may not be able to understand post natal depression, but I can understand the feelings of being alone, feeling like a nothing, being so anxious that I can't go to functions.  But if I had said this to you, and you had said this to me, we could have helped each other.  We still can... 

For more information on Post Natal Depression, you can look at the NHS Website: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Postnataldepression/Pages/Introduction.aspx.