'In madness and in health'

Hey...

I am still here :)

Just checking if anyone has seen my concentration anywhere? Seems to have gone AWOL since about March of this year.

I don't really know what to say - I haven't blogged in such a long time that bringing you up-to-date with my life is likely to bore you to death; so maybe we'll just start from the here and now!

My anxiety seems to have gone sky high, I know that this feeling won't last forever and I have gotten through it many a time before, it is just frustrating that although I know it won't last, the physical aspects of the disorder seem to have a life of their own.  It gets to a point really that the fear of fear, is bigger than the fear itself! It is also rather confusing that I have no idea what I am actually afraid of.  It isn't very helpful really that just walking down the streets at the moment seems to be problematic.

Anyway, so walking down the street alone whilst breathing and without fainting is on the top of my 'to-do' list and I hope that this will happen sooner rather than later. 

I'm thinking that the real question is:


It scares me to say this, but in some ways this is the crux of the problem.  What would I think about if I didn't worry about things? It is difficult to think of alternatives when you have been stuck in one place for a long time. It is almost like our fears and anxieties are our comfort, they make us feel safe.  But it gets to a point when our safety is not our happiness.  What would I do if I weren't afraid? What would I have conquered and where would I be?

I know that the past few months, even years, have been difficult.  But maybe I need to see that my biggest fear is not so much about having to live the rest of my life with an anxiety, mood or eating disorder; maybe it is about living a life without them; the fear of the unknown?

At this moment I am not sure I am in a position to think about these things in real depth.  I need to try and get through each day as it comes, and it is about allowing those around me to help me, because I am struggling to see where I should go from here. I feel a little lost and I feel a little stuck, but I know I have people out there who really care about me, and even if it is only that keeping me going at the moment, then that is fine. 

My family, my treatment team, my fellow patients and friends are what are keeping me going - thank you all for being there for me; each giving me support in your own unique way.  You accept me for who I am 'in madness and in health' and I am so lucky I have so much support. I will try and keep breathing; apparently it helps.

Allegedly going to sleep is also meant to help; might just try that now...

Night night xx

Comments

  1. Anonymous30 August 2013 at 23:13

    Rivkah g,

    I have been meaning to post on your blog for a bit, but haven't until now. Found this place because of your moving comments on the Channel 4 TV post. I've had severe depression and anxiety for a couple of years now, so can relate to ' I feel lost and a little stuck'. Keep breathing and taking support from your dear friends and family. You have a great smile that, in its tenderness would melt an iceberg. You will have a great future ahead of you. Just hang in there. I am not of your faith, but I think it is great that you are raising awareness of mental illness within your community and further afield.

    Take care, God bless and I think, if it is the right words, Shanah Tovah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rivkah24 October 2013 at 22:36

      Thank you so much for this post and I am sorry I have not got to reply earlier... I really appreciate you writing to tell me those things. It makes me feel I am doing this for a reason. I'm sorry you are suffering with similar problems. It can be so hard, but like you say we just need to find the support from those around us. Hang in there too :) Xx (p.s. would be so nice if could speak to you off anonymous!) xx

      Delete
  2. Unknown31 August 2013 at 20:03

    hey rivkah, how you doing? you still at the big P? x clio

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rivkah24 October 2013 at 22:36

      Hey Clio, sorry am only replying now. Things been up and down as usual! Ye I am OP now so don't realy go there much. How about you? Hope you are doing ok xxx

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On therapy and therapists Part I

It feels like an age since I last wrote on here though it has only been three days. I kind of miss not writing every day but I must admit I do not have the emotional capacity to do so! A lot of things have come up in the past few days, yet I have still felt this strange emptiness.  The feeling that I have opened myself up to the world and have nothing left to give.  It scares me.  However, given the amount of talking I managed to do in therapy today I see that me running dry of thoughts and words is a highly unlikely phenomena -  in the near future at least! Therapy.  I haven't really spoken much about therapy and the people who have helped me get to where I am. I don't think this is the appropriate place to write anything in specific detail, but I suppose a brief understanding of what has helped me in a therapist/client relationship may help others to see what could make therapy work for them. I think I should start off with a confession.  The therapists and
Read more

Another day, another post...

Image
My pledge to put this on Facebook has been placed on hold for the moment.  For now I am just going to send it to at least one person every day.  Slowly but surely I will conquer the world! Seriously it is getting easier though.  I haven's lost anyone as of yet.  If anything it has drawn me closer to the people I know.  And for that I am thankful.  Not just for that, but for all I have gone through in my life. Nothing happens without reason.  I may not have seen that 2 years ago, or even 6 months ago, but with hindsight I can see and appreciate the path my life has taken.  I often wonder what my life would have been without depression.  Where would I be now?  Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have my career as a top lawyer set out for me?  I used to compare myself to the world around me and see how far behind I was.  Everyone seemed to be moving on and I was stuck in a little hole.  The problem is, the more you think in that way, the more you believe
Read more

Life without ED

Image
I wish I could wake up in the morning and eat cereal, or toast, or a croissant with butter and jam or a hot-cross bun. I wish I could get to 1pm and pick my purse up and go down to the canteen with my colleagues or run to the shops across the road and pick a sandwich I fancy. It amazes me that people can just pick up food and drink without second thoughts. I think about how different my life would be if I allowed myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to the ingrained rules in my head. I am somewhat jealous of the carefree nature of those around me when it comes to food. So why not just pick up the croissant? Why not go down to the canteen? The solution sounds so obvious. If someone told me they wanted to eat a piece of cake or a packet of crisps, I wouldn’t even question it, so why are the rules concerning food different for me? Now, I am not stupid and I have a certain amount of common sense (IMHO!) Yet it is so odd how an eating disorder throws all
Read more