Reconnecting...

Had a team meeting at work today and I realised I had been doing this job now for almost 8 months and I still don't know everything that is expected of me. It is a scary feeling for me. I'm normally the one who seems confident in what I am doing and I need to feel in control. I felt so lost today. I really love the people I work with and I am really enjoying the work I do, but because the past 6-8 months have been such a rollercoaster, I have been off work more than I have been there. It is hard not to feel anxious when tables and graphs measuring how well each team within my department are doing and  I don't even understand the numbers never mind how I come into the picture.  Apparently I need to write a list of objectives for the director. The only objective that springs to mind is to keep getting up in the morning to get to work and staying at work for my full hours... A feat I'm proud of sometimes. I just  don't think the director will see it quite in the same way!

Anyway, next item on the team meeting agenda: meal out for Christmas. One again thrown into panic. For some reason the eating disorder thoughts have come back. It is hard having space in my day and in my head, and that is where dear ED likes to jump in. For some reason the idea of a lunch out with these people who I hardly know is making me panic. For the moment I am going to ignore the feelings . I know it will be something I will have to deal with at some point, but not 2 months in advance!

Now sitting in the same Starbucks I was in when I set up my blog almost a year ago and I can't believe it has been so long. I haven't felt all that connected with what I have written on my blog for a little while, but maybe the time I have free now can help me along. Maybe the more I write about what is going on, the more I can understand things better again. I need to reconnect to that person somehow. But how?

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