Life without ED

I wish I could wake up in the morning and eat cereal, or toast, or a croissant with butter and jam or a hot-cross bun. I wish I could get to 1pm and pick my purse up and go down to the canteen with my colleagues or run to the shops across the road and pick a sandwich I fancy. It amazes me that people can just pick up food and drink without second thoughts. I think about how different my life would be if I allowed myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to the ingrained rules in my head. I am somewhat jealous of the carefree nature of those around me when it comes to food.

So why not just pick up the croissant? Why not go down to the canteen? The solution sounds so obvious. If someone told me they wanted to eat a piece of cake or a packet of crisps, I wouldn’t even question it, so why are the rules concerning food different for me?

Now, I am not stupid and I have a certain amount of common sense (IMHO!) Yet it is so odd how an eating disorder throws all logic out the window. The rules make no sense and have no purpose, yet they stick with me wherever I go.

As I have said in an earlier post, I have been much more willing to accept the diagnosis of depression and anxiety, yet when it comes to the anorexia, I don’t even like to say the word. It sounds weak to me. It sounds like I have fallen prey to society’s pressures of being ‘thin’ and like models in the media. But nothing could be further from the truth for me (and most others affected).

My eating disorder started at the time my depression worsened significantly at the age of 16. Although it may have started as a loss of appetite it quickly spiralled into an obsessive pattern. Restriction became a purpose to my day. Each day I could look forward to my ‘meal’ in the evening which had to last me the next 24 hours. It was an extremely stressful time and left me with no energy fuelling the lethargy that comes with depression. I was so weak I spent most of my 6^th form days either in bed or asleep in the corner of the classroom.

I was only diagnosed 4 years after I became ill with my eating disorder. And when the Dr assessed me and gave me the label anorexia, I didn’t believe him. I was too big to have an eating disorder. I wasn’t skin and bones so I couldn’t have an eating disorder. Something I have learnt over time is that eating disorders are not about th weight. There is no prescribed weight to be diagnosed with an eating disorder. Eating disorders come in all sizes and being skeletal is NOT the diagnosing criteria. Many who suffer from atypical anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating disorder will be at a healthy weight, but the effects of these disorders are as bad as [and sometimes worse than] the underweight image portrayed by society.

Even though I have been a healthy weight for a long time, I still struggle with the anorexia daily. At times I feel like throwing in the trowel and letting it be my life again. It is an escape where the only thoughts you have are ones about food, numbers and weight.

But I know there is more to live for and so many reasons to fight this. At the moment I am neither here nor there. I am neither living nor dying. I am floating somewhere that is not making me happy. So my choice is to push myself harder, reach a weight that is right for my body and overcome my fears one by one.

As many of you will know, we are celebrating the Jewish festival of Pesach (Passover). In a nutshell Passover is similar to eating a gluten free diet, but with 10,000 other rules and regulations. I am going to be honest with you, but fighting an eating disorder as well as being restricted by outside influences is not compatible for me at this present time.

Some of you may know already that I was not able to keep Pesach last year. For those that are in my community I know you may be shocked. I was in hospital last Pesach. And in order to get better I needed to receive treatment without outside stressors. It was a really hard time for me and my family since Pesach is a really important festival in the Jewish calendar.

Although I am, thank G-d not in hospital this year, I wasn’t ready to face the stress that comes with Pesach. I have done what I needed to do and have gone away to Cornwall in a flat my family rent out. I am so lucky to have such understanding family who want me to be happy and healthy. And really, I believe that is what G-d wants of me too. If at this time I feel I will be triggered by something, I have to do my best to reduce the pressure.

Please don’t judge me. Please don’t judge my decision to live. I am not saying my illness is an excuse, but I am saying that for the moment it takes precedence and I believe G-d knows this. I am doing what I can to the best of my abilities and I need you to understand that there are many others like me who find this period particularly difficult. There are few things one can do on a Jewish festival and those that are permitted are very tricky for someone with depression - sleeping, eating and socialising are what are most affected by the depression and are really the only activities that can be carried out on these days of Pesach.

As I said in my 4Thought interview last year, I know that my Religion has actually been a ‘casualty’ of my illness and I am not in denial of this. I know that I am far from where I want to be. But I need to take it at my own pace for the moment.

I still believe in G-d, I am still touched by the words of the Tehilim and the Jewish music that hits deep chords. And although I may not keep as much as others, my heart is still in it. I used to judge when I was a kid. I was brought up in school to believe that people who don’t dress like Beis Yaakov girls didn’t understand the concept of Judaism. As I have grown older I can see that although the way a person dresses is to some extent an important part of being a Religious Jew, it is not everything. I may dress differently but I am still a good person and a good Jew (whatever that means!).

My life without ED would mean I would be at home with my amazing family, sitting at the table with my yummy nieces and nephews and enjoying the conversations going on around me. I would feel the atmosphere that comes with the Jewish festivals. I would wake up in the morning without worrying what food I would be eating on that day and whether I can face sitting at a table with food glaring at me for hours on end. I wish I could be ‘normal’ but I guess it is a process and I need to give myself time.

Without ED I would be living a different life; I hope I find that life soon.

Thank you for listening and understanding where I am coming from. Thank you for not judging. Any questions please ask.