Flashbacks

It surprises me how I am still taken aback by the power music holds over me. It has the capacity to evoke such strong memories and feelings, often leaving me feeling particularly vulnerable.  It takes me back to old times; and be those times happy or sad, I find myself in floods of tears, unable to remove myself from that place in the past. And each and every time this happens, I find myself wondering how I could have done things differently.

This evening, a friend I had met in hospital sent me a link to a music soundtrack she had recorded with her brother just prior to coming into hospital.  The words are of the famous Psalm, 'Mizmor L'Dovid' - 'the song of David'.  I am taken back to that afternoon, sitting in her hospital room, drawing a birthday card for my Mum, singing along to the track.  Almost feeling at peace.

I recall suddenly feeling an intense connection to a Higher Being that I had not felt in a long time.  It was then that I realised that I did not have to be someone who prayed three times a day to connect to G-d. It gave me the opportunity to see that sometimes, saying a small prayer with fervour is more important to G-d than a long prayer without. It seems strange that it had to take a hospital experience with a girl who was not Religious at all to wake me up to this realisation. Sitting in that bedroom in the psych ward allowed me to find a space in my head I did not know I had.

I miss it sometimes - the hospital I mean.  It may sound strange when I say that, but many people who have been in the same place as me will identify with this.  There is something black and white about hospital and when I think about that room, listening to a song I have been brought up singing every Shabbos (Saturday) afternoon, and which holds so much beauty, I begin to crave the peace.

Before I went into hospital in January my head was beyond messy. I had thoughts jumping on me at every moment of the day.  I could barely think straight because all I could hear in my head was the discussion on the pointlessness of my being alive and various thoughts that were not ones I would wish upon anyone. I was lost in a tunnel I could not find a way out of. Once I stepped into hospital, I had a sudden moment of reprieve. My head quietened down.  I was able to think more clearly and start seeing my life without the thoughts where I wanted it all to end.  I felt safe there, in a cocoon.  I didn't really have to fight any 'real' problems as such. My days were based around therapy groups and visiting times. I didn't have to worry about work, I didn't have to think about life outside of my bubble.

Although I can say it had good memories, I also have difficult flashback from the time which oddly enough have become more prominent the past few weeks. Flashbacks of the times when I felt so hopeless, helpless and out of control.  Times when I met others who were struggling and I could not help. Times where the alarms were going off around me because of an emergency on the ward. Times I wanted to run away and disappear.

I try and use each experience I have been through to move further on in life.  I really try my best to use the difficult times in addition to the good times to ensure my journey in life is fulfilling . Now, listening to this soundtrack, I am drawn back into that space I was in when in hospital. I realise that although I am struggling with the difficult thoughts and the flashbacks, I can still think of that time as an experience. I can still connect to a piece of music which, yes, makes me sad, but also took me to a place in my head that I would not have come to anywhere else.

Memories are hard. So is fighting the depression, eating disorder and obsessive thoughts. I want to stop replaying the same images in my head but I know it is not about fighting, but accepting. I am finding things difficult at the moment, and somehow I need to keep my head above water - because even when the sky is grey and overcast, the sun is still there, waiting for a space to shine. And even if I can't see it now, maybe I will see it soon. I will try hold on 'til then!

Thanks for listening as always. 

Rivkah xx