H.O.PE.

Still struggling to come to terms with the loss. 

This feels so cliché and I apologise for this. I know it can be aggravating to hear people lecture on how to live life positively - only you can know and decide how you can and how you want to live your life. But this is just me thinking aloud for myself.  These are just my thoughts, my raw, uncensored thoughts.

I could barely sleep last night. All I could think about were the two people I have lost in the past 6 or so months. Two people who showed such strength of character even when things were difficult and who I really and truly looked up to.

This may sound kind of strange, but at a random time sometimes when I am walking, or maybe just shopping - just mundane tasks really - I feel my Grandpa by my side.  I feel closer to my Grandpa in some ways than I did before his passing because I can feel him watching over me.  I do feel he sees the actions I take.  And you know what? This makes me happy and comforts me.  It makes me feel like offering a hand to the person needing help off the train or just smiling at the stranger on the street.  Because this is what my Grandpa would have done. He made a difference.

Since Jez's passing I have felt a similar feeling.  From my [mere] two years of sitting next to him in the office and working alongside him, I could see that he took every opportunity possible to make progress and move forward in his life; not just excelling in his work and career, but in his relationships and his middos. He refused to let anything get in the way of his dreams. Nothing was impossible to him. And I want to hold onto that. 

Many a time I have wanted to give up. The pain of the depression has felt too much for me to bear. I feel beyond guilty for these feelings when there are people who, like Jez, had such a love for life and the endless possibilities it could offer but are no longer with us, fulfilling these dreams. But instead of letting the guilt take over and bringing me down, I want to try and fight it. I want to try take each day, each moment and use it to get somewhere and be someone.  I want to try live my life to the best of my abilities and maybe make a difference in the world. 

Jez taught me many things, he knew when to keep quiet and when to talk. He was so modest and unassuming yet his knowledge was vast. He would turn up at work with his headphones in - not listening to music, but to shiurim (Jewish lectures). Every moment of his time was calculated and well spent. And his humour. Not just your run-off-the-mill humour; but the type that just put you at ease. I smile when I think of him; just as I do when I think about my Grandfather.  And to be honest, that is probably the highest level a person can reach; to always be remembered in a positive light is something we all aspire to attain.

I am sorry for going on and on and I don't want this to be about me.  I want this to be about an amazing person I have learnt from; and I want to remind myself and everyone reading this that we don't know what tomorrow may bring. Try make each day, each moment, each action count. Life is unpredictable and full of twists and turns, but somehow or other we have to muddle along, trying to make sense of the happenings around us. There may be times I feel like giving up, but I am going to try hold onto the fact that every single person in this world has a purpose and a reason. Remember that.