Rivkah Grant LLB (Hons)

I received my result for my law degree last week and I am proud to say I managed to get my 2:1.  Yes, a first would have been amazing, but to be honest there was no way on earth that was going to happen.  When I think about what I have battled with alongside this degree I do wonder how I got to where I am.  Having been quite unwell for the majority of the 7+ years I have been studying, I look back and see that though it may have been slow, it was progress.  I got there in the end. I have studied through many a breakdown and hospitalisation and it feels so rewarding to finally say I did it. 

I am not a naturally clever person – I can't get 90% on an exam without a huge amount of work.   I know I have to work hard to get results. And many a time I have doubted myself; and I still do!  But maybe the letters LLB (Hons) after my name can give me the reminder I need that actually I haven’t failed and I have achieved something. I have worked so hard and I am pleased that I have proven myself wrong; I have made it.

The questions that keep coming my way with regards to my next step are hard to answer.  For those who are asking with no knowledge of my illness, the expectation is that I apply to do the next step to becoming a solicitor.  However unfortunately I am still held hostage to my ‘disability’ or illness, meaning many doors feel closed to me.  Yes, they may be closed out of choice, but I know that I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope.  On the other hand staying still isn't an option.  Human’s need stimulation, a goal – something that makes us get up in the morning. Somehow or other our goals are shaped as we grow up.  From a young age we meet people in everyday life and at some point something might touch us.  We look at a certain profession or even an individual and decide in our mind that this I what we want to become. But with mood disorders such as depression, comes fluctuation and uncertainty. Today I may feel capable of doing almost anything but tomorrow may be a different story. For anyone who has been diagnosed with an illness in their teenage years; be it mental or physical, will often find this has the most impact when they are in their mid-20’s. For me, it’s like there is so much catching up to do for those lost years where anxiety and depression, food, exercise and weight ruled every aspect of my life. I am still finding my way and testing out new pathways. Eventually we will all muddle through and find our calling.  I think I do believe that.  But it would just be so much nicer if I knew where to find that path!

I am immensely proud of where I have come from and where I am at now.  I am often too scared to say it for fear of it all going wrong.  But when I compare myself even to just last year I can appreciate the differences I have brought about in my life.  Look back just one year and see where you have come.  Don’t look ahead and see the battle ahead; look back and see where you have come from.  I don’t know what challenges I still have to face, but I know what I have overcome. 

Don’t ever underestimate your ability to succeed.