My comfy shoes

So I've been wearing the most comfy shoes known to man for quite some time now. They are quite literally falling apart but I can't allow myself to get rid of them until I find a suitable replacement. The thing is, what makes them comfortable is the fact that I have worn them in and spent months shaping them to fit snugly on my feet. If you were to put them on, you would more than likely kick them off in disgust firstly due to the fact that they have holes in random places (which may or may not make your feet wet when it rains), but also because they won't fit you like they fit me. 

Now all of this is a literal comparison to something so much bigger. Something we have all had someone say to us in our lifetime - don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes. 

I find the basic concept of this quite hard. Because if I were to walk a mile in someone else's hypothetical shoes, I would be doing so with my own brain, my own connections to the world around me and my emotional sensor I have inbuilt. So even if I had your life, I would not necessarily feel what you feel. 

I digress. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no right to judge you for what you do. And in that same way, you have no such right to judge me. Now, I cannot control your feelings and thoughts (however much I would love to) and therefore you may judge me. You may question why I act in a certain way, why I do not follow the path you follow. But you will not understand. Empathy is hard to come by. Even sympathy is scarce especially when it comes to invisible illnesses. To be quite frank and honest, I have very little sympathy for myself whatsoever. But in my logical mind I allow there to be some leeway. I allow myself to seek assistance and support because in my heart of heart I know that I haven't spent a decade + of my life ruining myself. I did not spend all those hours crying and shaking because I was weak. I was enveloped in an illness which you should never ever understand. 

So before you comment, before you judge or question, think. You may not understand. But not everything is within our comprehension. I, thank G-d cannot understand the pain of someone who has suffered a close family tragedy. I, thank G-d do not have a physical illness robbing me of my faculties. I have so much and I am thankful for this. But I also do have a pain that you may never understand. I may have flashbacks from times when everything was so bleak. I limit myself to few activities that I feel I can manage. And although I am one of those people who seems so hard on the outside, my inside is falling apart. 

Somehow my little paragraph on shoes has morphed into something so much bigger. There is so much hatred and misunderstanding and believe me, I know I am also at fault. But remember, someone with an 'invisible illness' be it physical or psychological has not chosen this. There is no 'getting a grip'. There are choices of treatments, and ways to manage. And with many psychological illnesses there is remission and for the lucky ones, recovery. But for me, each morning is still a battle. You may not know it or see it. And this isn't a cry for sympathy. It's to let you know that the 'perks' I get from my disability in no way mean that my life is full of fun and games. 

People will judge. They won't understand. But as long as you remember that your fingerprints are different to mine, you will remember that there are no two people alike, and you need to live your life for yourself.