The reality of depression

These are my thoughts. Please do not worry/contact anyone.

PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET/TRIGGERED


Do you know how it feels to be different?
Do you know how it feels never to fit in?
Imagine being alone and nobody knowing where you were or what you were doing
Imagine not being able to see a future

Have you ever felt the desire to disappear?
Have you ever thought you were better off dead?
This is depression
This is the reality of my life right now

I look strong
I come across as secure and knowledgeable
I'm not
I'm weak and insecure

A failure
A waste of space
How can I continue like this?
How can I be in this world living a lie?

Someone take me away from here
Someone save me from this pain
It physically hurts me to feel this way
It hurts my head, my heart, my whole body is protesting being alive

Guilt takes over
Guilt destroys any part of me wanting to live
I have destroyed everyone around me slowly but surely
I don't deserve to be alive

Fighting is beyond me
I don't want to fight any longer
Trains, pills, bridges – all sound so comforting
Trains, pills, bridges – all make me tremble

Maybe this is it?
Maybe it is time?
I can’t do this
I have failed

Everyone gives up with me eventually

Maybe it's time for me to give up on myself too

Comments

  1. Daniel Saunders24 May 2017 at 19:51

    I'm sorry to hear you feel like this. I know what it's like as I've been depressed and suicidal too. Still have really bad days sometimes. I don't really know what to say, because I know it always sounds trite when people say that you do have things to live for. I guess I just want to say that I hear you and I think I understand, on some level at least.

    Is there anything at all that you enjoy at the moment? Or anyone who cares about you? Does writing this help? I find writing helps, particularly on my blog, although I like to get responses, usually people telling me I'm a good person although sometimes I think I want people to agree with me that I'm a lousy person and my life will always be lousy, although they're too polite to do that!

    For what it's worth, I think everyone deserves to be alive, unless you're a rapist or a murderer (I'm assuming you're not). Whether it's possible to enjoy life is another question; sometimes it just seems too painful. I used to have a distraction box of stuff that cheered me up (books, DVDs, music, stress ball, print outs of emails from people saying nice things about me) to look at when I was feeling suicidal. You can put anything in a distraction box, people put teddy bears and bottles of perfume. Funnily enough, I didn't really use it; just knowing it was there seemed to keep me going.

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