A fraud?

I feel like a fraud. I have done for a long time. One of my biggest fears over the years was being 'found out'. People seeing the real me. As those who are closest to me can attest (namely my parents), one of my stronger qualities is acting. Showing myself to be fine on the outside, yet on the inside feeling so much pain. I would put all my energy into acting, purporting to be someone I was not. I felt so guilty for being two-faced. It got to a point that I didn't know what was me, and what was the 'pretend me'.

It's something I am particularly struggling with now really. Well, maybe not to the extent I struggled 6 years back; but I feel I have built up a wall around me. A pretend Rivkah, who can be crazy, sarcastic and funny. Someone who doesn't think or worry. Someone irreligious who has rebelled without thought. Maybe I am just being my over-judgemental self, but I feel that I show myself to be this empty vessel and that saddens me. But that is why this blog has helped me so much. I am hoping it has allowed people to see me in a little more depth. 

I believe that acting is a necessary part of human life. I think most of us can say that we have had to get through a hard day by saving face and smiling to those around us. We may sit in the office working, or be out with friends, but deep down all we want is a duvet and a place to curl up away from the world. I am no different.

So I want to be less extreme; less of an unknown. As I said when I first opened up this blog, I want people to see the real me, and the only way this is going to happen is by communicating this. It will take me more time to get used to being so open and to be able to actually write what I am struggling with. My pride does hold me back. By saying I am struggling I feel I am admitting a weakness. But I am beginning to accept that this is so far from the truth.

The lengthy introduction was actually meant to bring me onto a specific topic. But since this post is so long already I shall dedicate my next post to this. But as a quick brief, I need to say that there are still things I struggle with and I may find it difficult to say it out right. But hopefully this blog can be a good medium for me to communicate this to people!
That's all for today folks!

Xx