Paperclips...

I didn't manage to post yesterday, but I have decided that obsessing over my blog is probably just as unhealthy as any other of my past and present obsessions! So some days I will post, and some days I won't.  And that's ok!

On the topic of obsessions, someone reminded me the other day of how obsessions are good at disguising themselves - usually as good things.  Obsessions can paralyse a person with fear saying 'if you don't do this, you will make someone ill or cause an accident to happen'.  It's like a superstitious fear which is just that bit stronger.  The problem is when you are obsessive AND a perfectionist you can never get it right! For those who I know with cleanliness OCD, however many times they washed their hands, they could never be clean enough. For me, I found that however many times I said a certain tefilla (hebrew prayer), I never said it clear enough or with enough feeling.

This constant conflict in my head eventually took its toll - I gave up even trying; taking me to the 'all or nothing' place of residence.  Either I do things properly or I don't do them at all. If I said these prayers, they would have to be perfect, if I didn't I wouldn't have to worry about perfecting them!  It was the perfect answer... and a perfect partner for depression  Do nothing, just give up!

Now I see that although I may be obsessive, ignoring the root problem hasn't helped me in any way.  Except maybe that my life is not as full as it once was.  Listening to my obsessive thought means staying at home and not going out in case something goes wrong; it means not being able to pray for fear of getting caught up in the cycle of it never being good enough.  How does that improve my quality of life???? 

What I realise is that I can move the obsessions from things that have a negative impact on my everyday life, to small things.  Though some people in my office may not agree with this, sorting out paper clips into size, colour and shape doesn't have to be too disturbing!!!  I acknowledge once again that changing obsessive thoughts and behaviours is most certainly easier said than done; but it can be done slowly but surely!  There is hope!

Off to count paper clips ;) (Just kidding!)

Xx

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