Not guilty

The beginning of another week.  A good week for all I hope.

Following on from Tuesday's post (ya know, the one on paperclips), I have decided that I am going to post on here twice a week.  Maybe once at the beginning of the week so I can talk about what I hope the week will bring and once at the end of the week when I can reflect on how the week has gone.

I am currently struggling to write what is going on in my head; there seems to be an awful lot of activity in there at the moment!  I'll admit that I feel the perfectionism creeping in, telling me that whatever I write won't be good enough.  I am not going to fall for that again.  And posting this will be another step in the right direction.  This blog is not something that will disappear just because I don't feel good one day.  That is letting illness rule my life.  I want this blog to stay 'whatever the weather' and I want people to see me in whatever place I am. 

A lot of people I sent this to replied saying that I was brave for going public.  This actually made me feel quite guilty, and still does a little.  How can I be brave for writing that I am feeling low and depressed when there are people who are really suffering out there?  How can I complain when I have so much?  Anyone who has suffered from depression can probably say they felt the same guilt.  But logically speaking, can you not break your arm even when everything in your life is going well?  The guilt is part of the depression in disguise and no one suffering out there should feel that they are 'bad' for feeling low.  Every person reading this will have their own hurdles to overcome; whether that is in their physical health, financial troubles or in the many other areas of life.  To feel guilty about these things would seem ludicrous... So too with depression.  No one should feel that they are wrong for what they feel.  Acknowledging and accepting the illness takes you halfway towards recovery.

So I am trying to keep my head up.  Trying not to let the thoughts of guilt and shame overwhelm me.  And I hope that others in a similar place can do the same.  Everyone deserves happiness...

...and sleep! gnite x


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

On therapy and therapists Part I

It feels like an age since I last wrote on here though it has only been three days. I kind of miss not writing every day but I must admit I do not have the emotional capacity to do so! A lot of things have come up in the past few days, yet I have still felt this strange emptiness.  The feeling that I have opened myself up to the world and have nothing left to give.  It scares me.  However, given the amount of talking I managed to do in therapy today I see that me running dry of thoughts and words is a highly unlikely phenomena -  in the near future at least! Therapy.  I haven't really spoken much about therapy and the people who have helped me get to where I am. I don't think this is the appropriate place to write anything in specific detail, but I suppose a brief understanding of what has helped me in a therapist/client relationship may help others to see what could make therapy work for them. I think I should start off with a confession.  The therapists and
Read more

Life without ED

Image
I wish I could wake up in the morning and eat cereal, or toast, or a croissant with butter and jam or a hot-cross bun. I wish I could get to 1pm and pick my purse up and go down to the canteen with my colleagues or run to the shops across the road and pick a sandwich I fancy. It amazes me that people can just pick up food and drink without second thoughts. I think about how different my life would be if I allowed myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to the ingrained rules in my head. I am somewhat jealous of the carefree nature of those around me when it comes to food. So why not just pick up the croissant? Why not go down to the canteen? The solution sounds so obvious. If someone told me they wanted to eat a piece of cake or a packet of crisps, I wouldn’t even question it, so why are the rules concerning food different for me? Now, I am not stupid and I have a certain amount of common sense (IMHO!) Yet it is so odd how an eating disorder throws all
Read more

Another day, another post...

Image
My pledge to put this on Facebook has been placed on hold for the moment.  For now I am just going to send it to at least one person every day.  Slowly but surely I will conquer the world! Seriously it is getting easier though.  I haven's lost anyone as of yet.  If anything it has drawn me closer to the people I know.  And for that I am thankful.  Not just for that, but for all I have gone through in my life. Nothing happens without reason.  I may not have seen that 2 years ago, or even 6 months ago, but with hindsight I can see and appreciate the path my life has taken.  I often wonder what my life would have been without depression.  Where would I be now?  Would I be married? Would I have children? Would I have my career as a top lawyer set out for me?  I used to compare myself to the world around me and see how far behind I was.  Everyone seemed to be moving on and I was stuck in a little hole.  The problem is, the more you think in that way, the more you believe
Read more