When Black Becomes a Rainbow

I was recently sent this picture by someone. At the time I was in hospital and in truth, it meant nothing to me other than flippancy. To me it made light of my suffering. I never asked for cracks; I never wanted a broken mind. I didn't want to be repaired,  I wanted to be perfect.  In all honesty, there have been many time in the past few years that I felt broken beyond repair. It's a scary feeling. However this Japanese idea of kintsikuroi hit me last night when I went to play a game of netball. I used to  really enjoy this sport and was at one time quite good.  However, due to lengthy hospital stays, rapid weight gain and lack of confidence, I dropped out of the game.  Last night I decided to go for it. It was a big step for me. However, I realised I was going to have to wear my short sleeve T-shirt (we play inside and it gets pretty warm!). But this would show my obvious 'cracks' - the places on my body that I have inflicted harm to myself when I have...

I really hate this time of year. Sadly I don't remember a time that I didn't. Pesach is not easy when you have mental health problems, and although I no longer struggle in the way I used to struggle with my eating, I do still remember the difficulties I had in having to adapt to a different diet and restrictions. Pesach is also hard if you struggle to adapt to change in general. All holidays have this added stress of life not going on as normal - day to day life is disrupted and there is a lack of structure which is hard to get used to. Holidays are therefore harder than normal for those with adjustment disorders or Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Something I have not mentioned on here before (and have not told many people at all), is that I have recently been diagnosed with a form of autism known as Pervasive Developmental Disorder , a condition similar to Asperger's Syndrome . I haven't been so open about this until now as I have not known how to exp...

I feel terrible that my last post on here was in August.  Appalling! Sincere apologies for being MIA - have not really felt very clear in my head which makes it difficult to express anything to anyone really. But I will attempt to now. It is  coming close to two years since I started writing on this blog and I want to reflect a little on the time. In many ways it has been an amazing experience.  I have connected with many people I would never have otherwise connected to and have definitely gained confidence. I feel proud that I have given other's a chance to understand a little about the world of mental health and in some cases, given people understanding of what they themself are feeling, giving them a nudge in the direction towards support, help and health. At the beginning each time I received a message regarding my blog I felt a huge sense of achievement; that I had finally found something I was good at, and that maybe my future was a bit c...