A small update

I feel terrible that my last post on here was in August.  Appalling! Sincere apologies for being MIA - have not really felt very clear in my head which makes it difficult to express anything to anyone really. But I will attempt to now.

It is  coming close to two years since I started writing on this blog and I want to reflect a little on the time.

In many ways it has been an amazing experience.  I have connected with many people I would never have otherwise connected to and have definitely gained confidence. I feel proud that I have given other's a chance to understand a little about the world of mental health and in some cases, given people understanding of what they themself are feeling, giving them a nudge in the direction towards support, help and health.

At the beginning each time I received a message regarding my blog I felt a huge sense of achievement; that I had finally found something I was good at, and that maybe my future was a bit clearer to understand,  Maybe I wouldn't be following the way of my community and get married in my late teens or early 20's, but I saw a reason to my being in the world.  Maybe mental health advocacy was my niche?

But sadly I feel that this was a dream which I can't see coming true.  I wonder where my life is heading. Some days I wonder where I will be in 2 years time, or 5 years time. Sometimes I just wonder if I am going to get through the next week, I see my friends moving on and I wonder why I couldn't have allowed myself to have done the same? Why am I still stuck in the same place I was in 5 years ago?

From time to time I reread my bio at the top of my blog and wonder whether to take it down.  Am I seeing a beautiful view on the top of a mountain? or am I still stuck in the dark hole that is mental illness? 

As people have been trying to tell me time and time again, the answer can be both. Which is why even at my lowest, I have not changed my bio.  There is a part of me that believes that there is hope and although I may not see it all the time, it doesn't mean it is not there. It is there not just for me, but for every single person reading this blog.

Even if you cannot hold onto the hope of a life ahead, let other's hold it for you. For there will be a time that you will feel it. I may not believe I have moved on anywhere in the past 5 years, but maybe this blog is a testament to movement? I don't believe my 20-year old self would have dared write this out.

Thank you to every one of you reading this post; each and every comment and message I have received over the past two years has helped me and has given me a reason to keep that bio up.

Have a lovely week

Rivkah xx