When Black Becomes a Rainbow

I was recently sent this picture by someone. At the time I was in hospital and in truth, it meant nothing to me other than flippancy. To me it made light of my suffering. I never asked for cracks; I never wanted a broken mind. I didn't want to be repaired,  I wanted to be perfect.  In all honesty, there have been many time in the past few years that I felt broken beyond repair. It's a scary feeling. However this Japanese idea of kintsikuroi hit me last night when I went to play a game of netball. I used to  really enjoy this sport and was at one time quite good.  However, due to lengthy hospital stays, rapid weight gain and lack of confidence, I dropped out of the game.  Last night I decided to go for it. It was a big step for me. However, I realised I was going to have to wear my short sleeve T-shirt (we play inside and it gets pretty warm!). But this would show my obvious 'cracks' - the places on my body that I have inflicted harm to myself when I have...

My toe is infected; it’s been an ongoing problem. I go to the GP and get referred to a specialist. The specialist decides to assess my toe. Apparently it will take some time to get to know the way my toe works and why it got infected. The specialist has a team who are meant to be helping out but one member of the team unfortunately breaks the other foot instead. ‘Let’s ignore the broken foot’ they say. We’ll continue to look at why the toe has got infected. We’ll continue to assess not treat.' The infection has spread by now to the whole foot. I now can’t walk. No treatment offered, no apology for the breaking of my foot. ‘We’ll keep assessing’ they say. One specialist leaves and another takes his place. ‘Well of course we have to start the assessment again - we don’t really know what the other specialist did in the 9 months he saw you, so we’ll start again. We’ll still ignore the broken foot and leave you to deal with that yourself.’ Another professional from a differen...

I really hate this time of year. Sadly I don't remember a time that I didn't. Pesach is not easy when you have mental health problems, and although I no longer struggle in the way I used to struggle with my eating, I do still remember the difficulties I had in having to adapt to a different diet and restrictions. Pesach is also hard if you struggle to adapt to change in general. All holidays have this added stress of life not going on as normal - day to day life is disrupted and there is a lack of structure which is hard to get used to. Holidays are therefore harder than normal for those with adjustment disorders or Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Something I have not mentioned on here before (and have not told many people at all), is that I have recently been diagnosed with a form of autism known as Pervasive Developmental Disorder , a condition similar to Asperger's Syndrome . I haven't been so open about this until now as I have not known how to exp...

I feel terrible that my last post on here was in August.  Appalling! Sincere apologies for being MIA - have not really felt very clear in my head which makes it difficult to express anything to anyone really. But I will attempt to now. It is  coming close to two years since I started writing on this blog and I want to reflect a little on the time. In many ways it has been an amazing experience.  I have connected with many people I would never have otherwise connected to and have definitely gained confidence. I feel proud that I have given other's a chance to understand a little about the world of mental health and in some cases, given people understanding of what they themself are feeling, giving them a nudge in the direction towards support, help and health. At the beginning each time I received a message regarding my blog I felt a huge sense of achievement; that I had finally found something I was good at, and that maybe my future was a bit c...