When Black Becomes a Rainbow

I'm stuck in my car near Richmond, South West London. You may wonder why I have dared to stray South of the river - no fear; all shall be explained. I just finished seeing my therapist and consultant, and down South is where they practice. Most weeks I kind of like the hour or so travel each way to unwind, I repeat, 'most weeks',  for when it takes me more than 2 hours to get home, any sort of anger management or therapeutic process I may have gone through in my sessions will be left in pieces along the north circular somewhere along Ealing Common. Today I am stuck; not because of traffic, but because I think I may have drained myself of every ounce of energy (and Pepsi Max) I own. So now I don't actually have the energy to drive home! What to do?! Think I have a bug of some sort and boy is it frustrating me; headache, nausea and the like. So I'm waiting in my car with my heating on, listening to the radio blasting out Nikki Minaj's 'Pound the A...

Feel like my posts are a bit like the buses; none at all and then WOOSH 2 in a row! Have been feeling a little wobbly the past couple of nights; struggling a bit with 'the thoughts' - the ones that seem to want to make me feel I am worthless, the thoughts that tell me that giving up would be a good option and that if I go out running for hours on end, I will feel better. Gah. Once again my rational head is questioning these feelings. I know that I am not worthless, I know that things aren't hopeless and that giving up can never achieve anything. I also know that going for an endless run is not going to solve any problems.  So need to think about how I get through these thoughts: I know I can get through them because I have got through them thousands of times before. This is what recovery sometimes has to be - two steps forward and one step back (and NOT vice versa) Feeling low does not mean I am back to square one. Feeling low is a part of human na...

Last week definitely seemed to have many more days that any other week I have lived through. Sadly enough not long enough to write a post and actually publish it! My big news from last week is that I did an interview for Channel 4's 4Thought! I'm going to be famous!!! Well, kind of; I shall be on a 2 minute spot after the 6pm news sometime in April - but it's definitely a start! It actually went ok, but I guess I won't know how good it is until it goes out on National TV in a couple of months. #Eek! I wanted to do this interview for a couple of reasons. Firstly, to prove to myself that I could do it, and secondly because it allowed me to publicise the issues I am passionate about; awareness of mental illness, particularly within the Jewish community. (Not to mention how chuffed I felt about being asked!). Many people have questioned me over the past few months how my mental illness has affected my Religion, but I have really struggled to give a...

This week I ventured into pastures new. I started a four week ‘Mental Health First Aid’ course being run by JAMI , a [fantastic] North West London based mental health charity. Truth be told, I was a little apprehensive about it.  Am I really ready to be learning how to deal with people in the depths of their depression? Am I fit to be reaching out to those in need of a listening ear? Can I help someone who sees no point in living? As the group went on I found myself warming to the idea.  Okay, I am not fully better yet and I still have difficult times, but who doesn't?!  I dare say, in many ways I am more equipped than some of the doctors and professionals out there.  Those who study psychology and/or psychiatry as an academic study may not be able to fully understand the pain someone with depression may be in.  What I can give is real-life experience.  Not only can I sympathise, but I can empathise; because I have felt the pain.  I h...

The spark of interest in my last post has brought home to me how much there is still to say about recovering from an eating disorder particularly in the Jewish community.  In the past week, many people have been in contact with me about their experiences and I see this as proof that I need to continue to talk out - to bring awareness and understanding to these conditions; and to show those still battling that there is hope! Coincidently this week ahead of us is Eating Disorder Awareness Week (EDAW).   Statistics show that over 1.6 million people in the UK have an eating disorder.  And though I like to believe that this doesn't affect those within our community, unfortunately the numbers prove that we are far from immune. This year's message for EDAW is 'Everybody knows somebody'. Eating disorders are a lot more common than you think and you may have no idea who may be suffering.  For someone with an eating disorder can still be withi...

On Thursday last week, I accomplished something I hadn't believed possible for quite some time... ...I went out to eat at a Kosher restaurant and ordered (and ate) a Thai meal and a desert. Ok, it sounds rather pathetic when I write it out on here, but seeing as prior to this I hadn't been for a proper meal in a kosher restaurant without fasting before and afterwards, or without walking half way to Land's End and back, I think I can pat myself on the back when I think of this achievement.   Anyone who has suffered with an eating disorder will understand the disproportionate amount of fear that comes with going out to eat.  The fear of not knowing anything about the food beforehand and the inability to quantify the calorific intake in any way is quite scary.  For me, the thought of eating something 'unknown' set off the irrational side of me.  I believed if I were to eat a meal like the one on Thursday, I would immediately gain a...

Hullo there!  Ok ,   I'll admit, my blogging last week was abysmal.  Every time I tried to write a post I found myself nodding off (didn't realise how boring I could be!).  Decided to give myself a rest and start anew Saturday evening.  So here I am. Since writing this blog and sending it to the public, I have found myself answering various questions from readers of my blog wanting to know more about my experiences.  I have tried my best to answer these on a 1-2-1 basis, but today, I have some questions I want to ask in return; answers to which I would really love to see written publicly in the comments section below.  The questions are: Prior to reading this blog, what were your thoughts on mental health?  Has this blog (alongside my website ) helped you understand more about this topic?   Is there anything else you think would be helpful to write about?   Do you have any further  questions about t...