When Black Becomes a Rainbow

Hey... I am still here :) Just checking if anyone has seen my concentration anywhere? Seems to have gone AWOL since about March of this year. I don't really know what to say - I haven't blogged in such a long time that bringing you up-to-date with my life is likely to bore you to death; so maybe we'll just start from the here and now! My anxiety seems to have gone sky high, I know that this feeling won't last forever and I have gotten through it many a time before, it is just frustrating that although I know it won't last, the physical aspects of the disorder seem to have a life of their own.  It gets to a point really that the fear of fear, is bigger than the fear itself! It is also rather confusing that I have no idea what I am actually afraid of.  It isn't very helpful really that just walking down the streets at the moment seems to be problematic. Anyway, so walking down the street alone whilst breathing and without fainting is on the to...

Another great post sent to me today; albeit anonymously. I think this post shows how much of a struggle it can be to live as well as love, look after and support those around you when you are dealing with physical and or psychological illnesses as well.  The post is extremely poignant and I hope it shows others that they are not alone.  I am sure that there are many people out there who can relate to the experience detailed here. I hope that this can help anyone out there confused by the feelings they have to search for the help that they need. 'Feelings' (Anonymous)   "After I had my first child I thought I felt fine, I was a new mother after all, what could possibly be the problem?! Well, Bh little boys keep their mummys busy and to be honest when he was only 8 months old, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Everything was going well, my baby was developing well, I was back at work and then I found out I was pregnant again. Bh it was a good pregnancy a...

So exhausted, but desperate to post. So much on my mind and need to spill some out on here. I take no responsibility for anything I say after 2230 generally as I turn into a pumpkin; but I'll make an exception tonight! Anyway, something I have been wondering about for a while now and would love to hear what you think!   My query is about a phrase in Vayikra (Leviticus 19:18) (also sung by the Yeshiva Boys Choir!). "והבתה לרעך כמוך" [Veohavta lerayacha kemocha] - "Love thy neighbour as thyself" The translation of this sentence is self explanatory. We must love our 'neighbour' (not to be taken literally of course; dependent on where you live or how much noise they make) as we love ourselves. The implication of this is that we love ourselves. For if we do not love ourselves, how can we do this for others. In effect, by filling ourselves with a sense of hatred, harming ourselves in some way or by not caring for ourselves, we are in turn en...

I have been asking various people over the past few months to write about their experiences with mental health, particularly within the Jewish Community.  You would not believe how many people are out there suffering.  On the back of one of my posts, I received a particularly amazing response from someone within the community who suffers with a mental illness. I asked if he would mind my sharing his email on here and he very kindly agreed. The email was from Gershon Brooks, a 20 year old diagnosed with Bipolar just over a year ago. From my conversations with Gershon I can see that he is doing his utmost to accept, fight and speak out about his illness, to be able to let go of the fear of being stigmatised. I think his post holds depth and strength. It isn't easy to open up the world, but I am so glad he has done this! Any questions you would like to ask Gershon can be done either on the Comments section of this blog post, or you can contact him via...

Hullo. My plans for this afternoon went a little pear-shaped - I was meant to be giving an assignment in tomorrow for my law course, but as I received an extension until next week, instead of spending a good solid 4 hours this afternoon writing up an essay on whether 'Alpha Ltd and Beta Ltd had a successful case of Judicial Review against Gamma Ltd', I spent those four hours under my covers sleeping. Yes, FOUR hours! Nice and refreshed from my well-earned sleep, I have decided that without the immediate pressures of my assignment on my shoulders, I would come on here, and as a friend so kindly hinted to me today, I needed to put a new post up - the old one was kind a getting rather boring (and maybe a little depressing?!). As my life seems to go, there have been some ups and downs (the latter seeming to be a more common theme).  I have been wondering over and over how many times a person can fall down and then pick themselves up again? It does seem that although th...

I'm standing on a bridge I'm waiting in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I... I'm with you I'm with you I'm looking for a place I'm searching for a face Is anybody here I know 'Cause nothing's going right And everything's a mess And no one likes to be alone Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I... I'm with you I'm with you Oh why is everything so confusing Maybe I'm just out of m...

Sitting 'sunning myself' on the beach in Cornwall.  I am so happy I came, and very grateful to my Parents for letting me loose in their holiday flat: Check it out here . Being back here always gives me memories; mainly happy ones of my family holidays. We had many many good times here and I will never forget them.  Walking along the different parts of the coast path seeing beautiful wonders many people would not believe possible in 'dreary England'.  Porthcurno Bay, Cornwall We spent hours driving to the most beautiful beaches where my Dad set up his mini camping gas paraphernalia making a cooked feast of sausage rolls, pot noodles and of course hot beverages of your choice. We all played cricket for hours on end (though my older brother was banned from batting; the complaints of the fielders who ended up running half a marathon by the end of his innings were taken into account!).  We once even dared ...

Right. You have my full attention now... So here goes! I have really wanted to blog for so long now, but have found it really difficult to get my head together and even start a post. There is so much to say, but there appears to be a difference between what goes on in my mind and what a normal human would be able to comprehend (story of my life). It has been a difficult time, but with a lot of amazing support from some great people, I would like to call these few weeks a blip rather than a full-on relapse. My friends, family and 5 star professional network have got me back on track and I am forever grateful to you - you know who you are! The lights were turned off for a little while, and what scared me most about this latest difficult episode was that I had no idea it was coming. It just jumped on me. Suddenly I lost the ability to see anything outside of the depression (and subsequently the ED), no enjoyment in life and 'the thoughts' hijacked my every move. I...