When Black Becomes a Rainbow

Had a team meeting at work today and I realised I had been doing this job now for almost 8 months and I still don't know everything that is expected of me. It is a scary feeling for me. I'm normally the one who seems confident in what I am doing and I need to feel in control. I felt so lost today. I really love the people I work with and I am really enjoying the work I do, but because the past 6-8 months have been such a rollercoaster, I have been off work more than I have been there. It is hard not to feel anxious when tables and graphs measuring how well each team within my department are doing and  I don't even understand the numbers never mind how I come into the picture.  Apparently I need to write a list of objectives for the director. The only objective that springs to mind is to keep getting up in the morning to get to work and staying at work for my full hours... A feat I'm proud of sometimes. I just  don't think the director will see it quite in the same ...

So, my law exam is over and I have time to breathe...a nd think. I preferred thinking about law - much simpler. Every legal principle has a plan, a structure to follow and once the structure is followed, the legal decision can be made. A+B=C - simples! Sometimes it would be slightly more complicated such as A+B+Z+F+U*8-R+S=C;  although a long drawn out essay, still a similar kinda thing.  If only life had such structure.  All I want is a plan, a direction even just a peek into the next year.  But it all seems so confusing.  I know to some extent what lies ahead of us very much depends on what we desire, but what if there are conflicting decisions? One part of the person wants one thing and the other part wants something entirely different? I guess that when faced with this conflict, numbness comes in handy. Not to feel, or think, but for there just to be silence, nothing.  After a marathon of learning hundreds of legal cases and legal def...

Hey... I am still here :) Just checking if anyone has seen my concentration anywhere? Seems to have gone AWOL since about March of this year. I don't really know what to say - I haven't blogged in such a long time that bringing you up-to-date with my life is likely to bore you to death; so maybe we'll just start from the here and now! My anxiety seems to have gone sky high, I know that this feeling won't last forever and I have gotten through it many a time before, it is just frustrating that although I know it won't last, the physical aspects of the disorder seem to have a life of their own.  It gets to a point really that the fear of fear, is bigger than the fear itself! It is also rather confusing that I have no idea what I am actually afraid of.  It isn't very helpful really that just walking down the streets at the moment seems to be problematic. Anyway, so walking down the street alone whilst breathing and without fainting is on the to...

Another great post sent to me today; albeit anonymously. I think this post shows how much of a struggle it can be to live as well as love, look after and support those around you when you are dealing with physical and or psychological illnesses as well.  The post is extremely poignant and I hope it shows others that they are not alone.  I am sure that there are many people out there who can relate to the experience detailed here. I hope that this can help anyone out there confused by the feelings they have to search for the help that they need. 'Feelings' (Anonymous)   "After I had my first child I thought I felt fine, I was a new mother after all, what could possibly be the problem?! Well, Bh little boys keep their mummys busy and to be honest when he was only 8 months old, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Everything was going well, my baby was developing well, I was back at work and then I found out I was pregnant again. Bh it was a good pregnancy a...

So exhausted, but desperate to post. So much on my mind and need to spill some out on here. I take no responsibility for anything I say after 2230 generally as I turn into a pumpkin; but I'll make an exception tonight! Anyway, something I have been wondering about for a while now and would love to hear what you think!   My query is about a phrase in Vayikra (Leviticus 19:18) (also sung by the Yeshiva Boys Choir!). "והבתה לרעך כמוך" [Veohavta lerayacha kemocha] - "Love thy neighbour as thyself" The translation of this sentence is self explanatory. We must love our 'neighbour' (not to be taken literally of course; dependent on where you live or how much noise they make) as we love ourselves. The implication of this is that we love ourselves. For if we do not love ourselves, how can we do this for others. In effect, by filling ourselves with a sense of hatred, harming ourselves in some way or by not caring for ourselves, we are in turn en...

I have been asking various people over the past few months to write about their experiences with mental health, particularly within the Jewish Community.  You would not believe how many people are out there suffering.  On the back of one of my posts, I received a particularly amazing response from someone within the community who suffers with a mental illness. I asked if he would mind my sharing his email on here and he very kindly agreed. The email was from Gershon Brooks, a 20 year old diagnosed with Bipolar just over a year ago. From my conversations with Gershon I can see that he is doing his utmost to accept, fight and speak out about his illness, to be able to let go of the fear of being stigmatised. I think his post holds depth and strength. It isn't easy to open up the world, but I am so glad he has done this! Any questions you would like to ask Gershon can be done either on the Comments section of this blog post, or you can contact him via...

Hullo. My plans for this afternoon went a little pear-shaped - I was meant to be giving an assignment in tomorrow for my law course, but as I received an extension until next week, instead of spending a good solid 4 hours this afternoon writing up an essay on whether 'Alpha Ltd and Beta Ltd had a successful case of Judicial Review against Gamma Ltd', I spent those four hours under my covers sleeping. Yes, FOUR hours! Nice and refreshed from my well-earned sleep, I have decided that without the immediate pressures of my assignment on my shoulders, I would come on here, and as a friend so kindly hinted to me today, I needed to put a new post up - the old one was kind a getting rather boring (and maybe a little depressing?!). As my life seems to go, there have been some ups and downs (the latter seeming to be a more common theme).  I have been wondering over and over how many times a person can fall down and then pick themselves up again? It does seem that although th...

I'm standing on a bridge I'm waiting in the dark I thought that you'd be here by now There's nothing but the rain No footsteps on the ground I'm listening but there's no sound Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I... I'm with you I'm with you I'm looking for a place I'm searching for a face Is anybody here I know 'Cause nothing's going right And everything's a mess And no one likes to be alone Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night Trying to figure out this life Won't you take me by the hand? Take me somewhere new I don't know who you are But I... I'm with you I'm with you Oh why is everything so confusing Maybe I'm just out of m...