When Black Becomes a Rainbow

For as long as I can remember I have been different to those around me.  My interests weren’t the same as others, my ability to express myself was limited and instead of being able to verbalise my struggles, I only managed to keep them inside of me.  From a young age these internalised struggles rapidly turned into anxiety, depression and anorexia. I didn’t have a clue about mental illness when I was a teenager.  This wasn’t something taught about in school, not something spoken about at home and certainly something seen as ‘taboo’ within the Orthodox Jewish Community. I am the third of a family of 6 children and both my older siblings were straight A students with an innate ability to manage a good social life. At 14, both my older siblings left home and concurrently my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal Cancer. In tandem with this, I became more introverted and found I wasn’t able to understand the interests and activities my classmates and peers found to be so...

As promised, I am back here again. Life seems to have taken over and I have got back into the swing of things. I have had a job interview and I'm now the proud Mum of 6 guinea pigs and a hamster. I am also apparently mothering an expectant guinea pig so I am going to be a PigGrandma soon. I'm too young to be a Grandma! These are my beauties (I am *slightly* obsessed): In reality, it is hard not to keep going over the past and what has happened; intrusive thoughts seem to have a way about them making it hard to block them out at times. But instead of using these negative flashbacks to punish myself and remind myself of bad times, I need to learn to embrace my difficulties and use them to show me how much better things are now. I realised in the past year that I no longer believe in 'recovery'. Don't get me wrong - many people who have had mental illness can 100% recover from this.  There are however many who will not fully recover.  Mental illness will ...

Having just been asked to speak at a small event for a local mental health charity, I started typing up a short speech. Once I started I realised how much I missed writing.  I totally forgot how cathartic it is. So maybe I am back!? There is a lot to catch up on – the last time I wrote properly on here was August 2015 and a LOT has happened since then.  I’m not going to go into all the details – too lengthy and boring! In short, 2016 was not my year. I spent 6 months+ between December 2015 and July 2016 on various different wards in a variety of hospitals, struggling to manage my depression. It was the worst time of my life and I never want to repeat any of those experiences again.  In the past year I lost so much including my job, my old treatment team and so many friends.  I don’t blame anyone for leaving me; I  was struggling to survive and was not able to be there for anyone. For those who stuck with me – thank you! I know it was hard ...

So I've been wearing the most comfy shoes known to man for quite some time now. They are quite literally falling apart but I can't allow myself to get rid of them until I find a suitable replacement. The thing is, what makes them comfortable is the fact that I have worn them in and spent months shaping them to fit snugly on my feet. If you were to put them on, you would more than likely kick them off in disgust firstly due to the fact that they have holes in random places (which may or may not make your feet wet when it rains), but also because they won't fit you like they fit me.  Now all of this is a literal comparison to something so much bigger. Something we have all had someone say to us in our lifetime - don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  I find the basic concept of this quite hard. Because if I were to walk a mile in someone else's hypothetical shoes, I would be doing so with my own brain, my own connections to the world around...

I received my result for my law degree last week and I am proud to say I managed to get my 2:1.  Yes, a first would have been amazing, but to be honest there was no way on earth that was going to happen.  When I think about what I have battled with alongside this degree I do wonder how I got to where I am.  Having been quite unwell for the majority of the 7+ years I have been studying, I look back and see that though it may have been slow, it was progress.  I got there in the end. I have studied through many a breakdown and hospitalisation and it feels so rewarding to finally say I did it.  I am not a naturally clever person – I can't get 90% on an exam without a huge amount of work.   I know I have to work hard to get results. And many a time I have doubted myself; and I still do!  But maybe the letters LLB (Hons) after my name can give me the reminder I need that actually I haven’t failed and I have achieved something. I have...

It's been a long time since I have given myself the luxury to just sit down at my computer and relax.  It feels strange to be back on here actually; like I have been away for years. As you may know, I have been doing a law degree with the Open University for some time now (some time meaning 7+ years!) I started it in February 2008 when I was in Sem in Manchester and somehow or other managed to drag it out until just under a month ago.  I have finally completed the degree and hope to get my results next week.  I am world’s biggest procrastinator so I kept pushing things off until after my exam - including writing a blog post.  Now that it has been 3+ weeks since my exam was written I don’t want to procrastinate any more.  I have missed writing on here and sharing.  I always find that I feel so much better after writing a post. So I have now finished my degree and am sort of left in limbo land almost.  I am not yet sure where I am going to go fr...

Still struggling to come to terms with the loss.  This feels so cliché and I apologise for this. I know it can be aggravating to hear people lecture on how to live life positively - o nly you can know and decide how you can and how you want to live your life.  But this is just me thinking aloud for myself.  These are just my thoughts, my raw, uncensored  thoughts. I could barely sleep last night. All I could think about were the two people I have lost in the past 6 or so months. Two people who showed such strength of character even when things were difficult and who I really and truly looked up to. This may sound kind of strange, but at a random time sometimes when I am walking, or maybe just shopping - just mundane tasks really - I feel my Grandpa by my side.  I feel closer to my Grandpa in some ways than I did before his passing because I can feel him watching over me.  I do feel he sees the actions I take.  And...

Hiya all. Just a a quick hello to say I'm still alive and kicking! Have moved flat and been caught up in mounds of university work so literally haven't had a minute to breathe. But wanted to say I'm still here and will be back as soon as I get my act together!  Meanwhile, if anyone is interested in helping me learn 7 textbooks on land law/equity and trusts off by heart and doing an exam and two assignments, please let me know! Just three more months and my LLB will finally be complete!  Flat-warming party time and date tbc - bring your own seating, entertainment and refreshments.  Back soon xx