When Black Becomes a Rainbow

I have been putting off writing properly for almost a week now, waiting for my thoughts to calm down a little so I can make some sense of them.   I was given the news last week that my position at work was being made redundant.  Yes, for the third time in my work life I have been made redundant. It has taken me a few days to come to terms with the situation and what it all means. Oddly enough though, my first questions to myself were not 'what do I do?' or 'where do I go from here?', but 'how do I react?' and 'how much can I allow myself to feel?'. I am not a mind-reader and I do not know what goes on in anyone else's head, but I assume that when a difficult situation comes up, a 'normal' person will feel sad, angry or confused; but they won't question whether they are allowed to feel the emotion, or whether the particular emotion they are feeling is fitting to the situation. What they feel is what they feel and that doesn't ...

Hey!  Hope you are all ok... It has been a difficult week and I will explain in more detail as soon as I manage to get my thoughts together.  Meanwhile I don't want you to think I have forgotten you, so I thought I would put a little inspirational quote up for today and that can be my input until I manage to finish my next 'real' post! And so, with that I shall leave for tonight, and once I have got my act together I shall enlighten you on my week.  Lots to say, so much to explain.  See you tomorrow hopefully! Night night Xx p.s. I can't believe I have now had over 4000 page views :) Thank you all! Xx

On the back of my 'On therapy and therapists' posts, I have been asked a couple of questions.  Instead of replying to these as a comment on the blog post itself I thought I would dedicate my next post to the answers. The questions were: "what made things suddenly change for me?", and "How can I believe that people care if they are in fact just doing their job? As I mentioned in Part I, for many years I sat in silence in therapy.  I was in pain but was unable to put together the words to explain this.  I feared being judged and looked down upon.  I didn't believe my problems were bad enough and thought I was undeserving of being listened to. After years of going from pillar to post and trying out many different therapies, I lost hope in the system totally.  I was admitted to hospital and it was there I realised something needed to change.  My stay there forced me to open up more than I had ever opened up before.  The environment was co...

It feels like an age since I last wrote on here though it has only been three days. I kind of miss not writing every day but I must admit I do not have the emotional capacity to do so! A lot of things have come up in the past few days, yet I have still felt this strange emptiness.  The feeling that I have opened myself up to the world and have nothing left to give.  It scares me.  However, given the amount of talking I managed to do in therapy today I see that me running dry of thoughts and words is a highly unlikely phenomena -  in the near future at least! Therapy.  I haven't really spoken much about therapy and the people who have helped me get to where I am. I don't think this is the appropriate place to write anything in specific detail, but I suppose a brief understanding of what has helped me in a therapist/client relationship may help others to see what could make therapy work for them. I think I should start off with a confession. ...

Snow! Love the white clean blanket it throws over the world.  I think it is the silence that it seems to bring with it that makes it seem so peaceful.  It feels like it suppresses all the unwanted noise and pollution this world gives out.  I guess the white colouring also helps.  Imagine if snow fell in another colour like black? Depressing or what?! I just wish it didn't turn into ice.  I am someone known to fall over myself on dry solid ground; I shudder to think what I'll be like on the ice.  Think I'll stay in for the moment and catch up on blogging! The snow reminds me of when I was younger and my family would build snowmen in our back garden.  The times gone by that I have used to punish myself so often.  Telling myself how much happier I was when I was younger was not something that helped.  It is not something I can change.  I was a happy child and I only have good memories from when I was little.  ...

Ok, as many of you may have noticed I have gone totally public (well, totally Facebook public rather than an article in the Daily Telegraph). Thank you to all of you who have shared this blog, 'liked' my Facebook page or checked out my website.  For every time you do this you spread the word further. I  don't want to drive people crazy (or in some cases, crazier!), but I want this to reach as many people as possible; and I cannot do this without your help!  If every person I know sent this to 10 people, think of how many thousands of people it could touch throughout the world!!!! When conversing with a friend the other day about this blog, I came to the realisation that although I have spoken a lot about mental illness and depression, I haven't really explained exactly what the symptoms are in general and how a person who is depressed will feel. I have explained a little  here  about clinical depression, but I am thinking it may be helpful to detail a lit...

"Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears". Yes, I know, a little dramatic. Just a little humour to start the week with.  Think it is my way of trying to cheer myself up!  Partly the weather and the long evenings, but I definitely haven't been feeling 'right' for a little while.  Just tired and headachey. Ah well.  No excuse not to blog though. Busy week ahead which is always helpful.  Running around and keeping busy is one of my greatest fortes.  I tend to plan things ahead of time, needing to know that I don't have time for a nap in the afternoon.  Afternoon naps are NOT for me!  I generally wake up grumpier than the cat that lost its cream.  The problem is my bed has a way of calling me like no one else!  It is so inviting to jump in to close my eyes. I feel like the tiredness has stagnated my quest to conquer the world. That together with a sense of hopelessness if I am honest!  Again and again ...

Happy New year! This past month has been an unprecedented one in my life; filled with openness, communication and even a little excitement.  I do hope that this year only continues in a good way for me, and for all those around me.  It should be a year filled with happiness, good tidings and good health! The feelings of excitement also come along with a huge amount of fear.  An emotion which on some days attempts to engulf me, overtaking any positive effects the blog has brought on so far.  For when I think about feeling better, I am filled with an overwhelming anxiety of the unknown.  It is like waking up to a world full of choices, questions and unfamiliarity.  In other words - reality! Thinking about what I want in life, where I want to go, who I want to be almost paralyses me.  Whilst trying to focus on the present, as is needed in recovery, I couldn't allow myself to even take a quick glimpse of what I wanted in the years to...