When Black Becomes a Rainbow

I asked whether anyone has any questions they would like to ask, or any tips they would like to give me or my readers.  I have now had the time to properly have a look at the questions asked and hope I can give answers that are useful! Q: When you are at your lowest point, like, rock bottom, what helps you up? (besides medication!) I don't know if I have all the answers yet. I hate to say it, but I don't always know what to do when I hit rock bottom.  I think the most important think is not to isolate.  However bad you are feeling, you need to let someone  somewhere  know. By talking about what is going on, there is a connection even if it is just for a few minutes. It is hard to open up and explain what is going on  particularly  if you are not used to talking to people about how you are feeling.  I now know that however much I have tried to make myself  believe  that my depression and the co-morbidities were of my ow...

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post.  I'm sorry for those I may have hurt. Please know that however bad things are, it is not because people don't care, or that I feel they don't care.  I know you care so much and I can't even express what it means to me to have you asking me how I am when I write a post like my last one. I think it is difficult for me to explain how a person can have everything they could ever want but still feel the sadness and loneliness that depression brings.  I feel guilty that I have so much in my life yet still have times where I feel I have nothing and see no point. I feel ungrateful that I have you all routing for me, but I still have those nights. It seems unfair that time, money and energy is spent on helping me but I give in and let my depression take over. I think I need to remind myself and maybe those reading this that feeling depressed and low is not necessarily about what a person has materialistically - it needs ...

Sometimes I wish that living wasn't so hard.  That the feelings weren't so strong.  That I could see the light that everyone around me seems to see. I wish I didn't have to pretend that things were fine, that what I feel, can be shown.  That I don't have to feel ashamed of what goes on beneath the exterior. Engulfed by sadness, smothered by it. It is so hard and I don't have the answers. I want to help everyone but I can't help myself. It is pain so much deeper than a physical pain.  One that can't be described in words. Crying from the depths of my heart but no one can hear. Just me.  I want to be positive on here, I feel it is the expectation.  But I feel it is a lie to myself - and you - if I don't say this. That sometimes it feels like there is no way out, that things would be better without me around. That living with these feelings is not living. I can mute the feelings, I know how to keep them at bay.  But how lo...

I haven't wanted to blog really because things haven't exactly been perfect.  But after an appointment with my dietitian on Thursday and talking about my blog she made me realise that no one expects me to be perfect. No one is reading this because they want to hear that all is swell.  I f I wait till things are perfect to write on the blog I may as well take it down right now.   As humans we are all prone to our ups and downs and that is okay. It would be kinda pointless (and might I add, rather incredulous) if I rambled on about the good in the world and how beautiful the weather in England was (leak in the hallway outside my bedroom ain't really making the weather here any more beautiful to me).  So I have given myself permission to express how things are.  It seems difficult to explain when one moment I am feeling reasonably stable, but the next second I feel I am back down where I was a decade ago. It sometimes feels like I am two different people...

Had a team meeting at work today and I realised I had been doing this job now for almost 8 months and I still don't know everything that is expected of me. It is a scary feeling for me. I'm normally the one who seems confident in what I am doing and I need to feel in control. I felt so lost today. I really love the people I work with and I am really enjoying the work I do, but because the past 6-8 months have been such a rollercoaster, I have been off work more than I have been there. It is hard not to feel anxious when tables and graphs measuring how well each team within my department are doing and  I don't even understand the numbers never mind how I come into the picture.  Apparently I need to write a list of objectives for the director. The only objective that springs to mind is to keep getting up in the morning to get to work and staying at work for my full hours... A feat I'm proud of sometimes. I just  don't think the director will see it quite in the same ...

So, my law exam is over and I have time to breathe...a nd think. I preferred thinking about law - much simpler. Every legal principle has a plan, a structure to follow and once the structure is followed, the legal decision can be made. A+B=C - simples! Sometimes it would be slightly more complicated such as A+B+Z+F+U*8-R+S=C;  although a long drawn out essay, still a similar kinda thing.  If only life had such structure.  All I want is a plan, a direction even just a peek into the next year.  But it all seems so confusing.  I know to some extent what lies ahead of us very much depends on what we desire, but what if there are conflicting decisions? One part of the person wants one thing and the other part wants something entirely different? I guess that when faced with this conflict, numbness comes in handy. Not to feel, or think, but for there just to be silence, nothing.  After a marathon of learning hundreds of legal cases and legal def...

Hey... I am still here :) Just checking if anyone has seen my concentration anywhere? Seems to have gone AWOL since about March of this year. I don't really know what to say - I haven't blogged in such a long time that bringing you up-to-date with my life is likely to bore you to death; so maybe we'll just start from the here and now! My anxiety seems to have gone sky high, I know that this feeling won't last forever and I have gotten through it many a time before, it is just frustrating that although I know it won't last, the physical aspects of the disorder seem to have a life of their own.  It gets to a point really that the fear of fear, is bigger than the fear itself! It is also rather confusing that I have no idea what I am actually afraid of.  It isn't very helpful really that just walking down the streets at the moment seems to be problematic. Anyway, so walking down the street alone whilst breathing and without fainting is on the to...

Another great post sent to me today; albeit anonymously. I think this post shows how much of a struggle it can be to live as well as love, look after and support those around you when you are dealing with physical and or psychological illnesses as well.  The post is extremely poignant and I hope it shows others that they are not alone.  I am sure that there are many people out there who can relate to the experience detailed here. I hope that this can help anyone out there confused by the feelings they have to search for the help that they need. 'Feelings' (Anonymous)   "After I had my first child I thought I felt fine, I was a new mother after all, what could possibly be the problem?! Well, Bh little boys keep their mummys busy and to be honest when he was only 8 months old, I couldn't wait to get back to work. Everything was going well, my baby was developing well, I was back at work and then I found out I was pregnant again. Bh it was a good pregnancy a...