When Black Becomes a Rainbow

Wow! I had such an amazing response to my last post. It is obviously a topic that is close to many people's hearts. Someone commented that it isn't individual teachers that are the ones who can change the situation in the schools and I agree - to a degree . But remember every individual has the power to turn someone's life around.  And in response to 'you are trying to change a culture that is slowly changing' - that is exactly my aim!!!! Also: No one person is going to save the young people. But as a group? I wouldn't even say it was just about the teachers looking out for those struggling, but bringing in various professionals to come into the school to speak about what mental illness means and how it may show in different people. It may mean that either a pupil goes up to someone and says they feel they may have the illness. It may mean that a friend sees the illness in another and opens up the conversation. It may mean that there is a ch...

Ok so today's post is going to be a small rant on the subject of schools (a topic I am sure someone more educated (no pun intended) and more knowledgeable that me could write about, but I'll do my best!).  Before I start I should say that I fully admire anyone who works in a school. The amount of work that goes into such a job is unbelievable. No one should take this in the way that teachers/schools are not appreciated. These are my views and take on the situation and should anyone feel that these are inaccurate, please do not hesitate to let me know. What is going on in the schools that so many young people are being looked over? What happened to 'Chanoch l'naar al pi Darko' - educating each child in the way in which they need to be helped; helping each child reach their individual potential?  There seem to be an increasing number of young people being diagnosed with mental health conditions yet from where I stand, there is still a huge lack of underst...

I wish I could wake up in the morning and eat cereal, or toast, or a croissant with butter and jam or a hot-cross bun. I wish I could get to 1pm and pick my purse up and go down to the canteen with my colleagues or run to the shops across the road and pick a sandwich I fancy. It amazes me that people can just pick up food and drink without second thoughts. I think about how different my life would be if I allowed myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to the ingrained rules in my head. I am somewhat jealous of the carefree nature of those around me when it comes to food. So why not just pick up the croissant? Why not go down to the canteen? The solution sounds so obvious. If someone told me they wanted to eat a piece of cake or a packet of crisps, I wouldn’t even question it, so why are the rules concerning food different for me? Now, I am not stupid and I have a certain amount of common sense (IMHO!) Yet it is so odd how an eating disorder throws all...

I asked whether anyone has any questions they would like to ask, or any tips they would like to give me or my readers.  I have now had the time to properly have a look at the questions asked and hope I can give answers that are useful! Q: When you are at your lowest point, like, rock bottom, what helps you up? (besides medication!) I don't know if I have all the answers yet. I hate to say it, but I don't always know what to do when I hit rock bottom.  I think the most important think is not to isolate.  However bad you are feeling, you need to let someone  somewhere  know. By talking about what is going on, there is a connection even if it is just for a few minutes. It is hard to open up and explain what is going on  particularly  if you are not used to talking to people about how you are feeling.  I now know that however much I have tried to make myself  believe  that my depression and the co-morbidities were of my ow...

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post.  I'm sorry for those I may have hurt. Please know that however bad things are, it is not because people don't care, or that I feel they don't care.  I know you care so much and I can't even express what it means to me to have you asking me how I am when I write a post like my last one. I think it is difficult for me to explain how a person can have everything they could ever want but still feel the sadness and loneliness that depression brings.  I feel guilty that I have so much in my life yet still have times where I feel I have nothing and see no point. I feel ungrateful that I have you all routing for me, but I still have those nights. It seems unfair that time, money and energy is spent on helping me but I give in and let my depression take over. I think I need to remind myself and maybe those reading this that feeling depressed and low is not necessarily about what a person has materialistically - it needs ...

Sometimes I wish that living wasn't so hard.  That the feelings weren't so strong.  That I could see the light that everyone around me seems to see. I wish I didn't have to pretend that things were fine, that what I feel, can be shown.  That I don't have to feel ashamed of what goes on beneath the exterior. Engulfed by sadness, smothered by it. It is so hard and I don't have the answers. I want to help everyone but I can't help myself. It is pain so much deeper than a physical pain.  One that can't be described in words. Crying from the depths of my heart but no one can hear. Just me.  I want to be positive on here, I feel it is the expectation.  But I feel it is a lie to myself - and you - if I don't say this. That sometimes it feels like there is no way out, that things would be better without me around. That living with these feelings is not living. I can mute the feelings, I know how to keep them at bay.  But how lo...

I haven't wanted to blog really because things haven't exactly been perfect.  But after an appointment with my dietitian on Thursday and talking about my blog she made me realise that no one expects me to be perfect. No one is reading this because they want to hear that all is swell.  I f I wait till things are perfect to write on the blog I may as well take it down right now.   As humans we are all prone to our ups and downs and that is okay. It would be kinda pointless (and might I add, rather incredulous) if I rambled on about the good in the world and how beautiful the weather in England was (leak in the hallway outside my bedroom ain't really making the weather here any more beautiful to me).  So I have given myself permission to express how things are.  It seems difficult to explain when one moment I am feeling reasonably stable, but the next second I feel I am back down where I was a decade ago. It sometimes feels like I am two different people...

Had a team meeting at work today and I realised I had been doing this job now for almost 8 months and I still don't know everything that is expected of me. It is a scary feeling for me. I'm normally the one who seems confident in what I am doing and I need to feel in control. I felt so lost today. I really love the people I work with and I am really enjoying the work I do, but because the past 6-8 months have been such a rollercoaster, I have been off work more than I have been there. It is hard not to feel anxious when tables and graphs measuring how well each team within my department are doing and  I don't even understand the numbers never mind how I come into the picture.  Apparently I need to write a list of objectives for the director. The only objective that springs to mind is to keep getting up in the morning to get to work and staying at work for my full hours... A feat I'm proud of sometimes. I just  don't think the director will see it quite in the same ...