When Black Becomes a Rainbow

It surprises me how I am still taken aback by the power music holds over me. It has the capacity to evoke such strong memories and feelings, often leaving me feeling particularly vulnerable.  It takes me back to old times; and be those times happy or sad, I find myself in floods of tears, unable to remove myself from that place in the past. And each and every time this happens, I find myself wondering how I could have done things differently. This evening, a friend I had met in hospital sent me a link to a music soundtrack she had recorded with her brother just prior to coming into hospital.  The words are of the famous Psalm, 'Mizmor L'Dovid' - 'the song of David'.  I am taken back to that afternoon, sitting in her hospital room, drawing a birthday card for my Mum, singing along to the track.  Almost feeling at peace. I recall suddenly feeling an intense connection to a Higher Being that I had not felt in a long time.  It was then that I realised that ...

Just a quick post today. I just couldnt stop myself from writing. I just want to say how positive I feel right now. I am so grateful for everyone I have in my life and for all that you do.  I wish I could name you on here, but you know who you are! I have such amazing, kind and caring family.  I have supportive and loyal friends, I have a team of professionals who are there for me any time.   I feel more confident and self-sufficient living in my own place and I just thank G-d that I have landed myself in the garden of such a kind and welcoming family.  I can't think of many flat rentals that involve open meal invitations and birthday presents! I also can't stop thinking about the Hashgacha Protis (Divine Providence) in this whole stage of my life.  One of the main reasons I felt comfortable to move in to this place was because someone I know sung praise of the family non stop.  This person is someone who I know originally from when I was in hospit...

So after a hectic few weeks, I have finally managed to sit down and actually write an update.  First of all, I welcome you to my new pad: It is a lovely little place at the back of the garden of a lovely family!  It is definitely a move in the right direction and I feel like at last something is shifting.  I was stuck in a very rigid, draconian timetable with so many (self-made) rules I had to follow. Just being in a different environment has given me more space in my head. I just need to be careful not to start writing another long list of rules! Although one can never escape from oneself, and moving around or running away is not the answer to one's problems, it is written in the Talmud 'Meshane Makom Meshana Mazel' - meaning that if you change where you dwell, you can change your destiny. Of course we can't blame all our problems on our dwelling place, but with somewhere different we can start afresh. Please G-d this move will lead to bigger chang...

Wow! I had such an amazing response to my last post. It is obviously a topic that is close to many people's hearts. Someone commented that it isn't individual teachers that are the ones who can change the situation in the schools and I agree - to a degree . But remember every individual has the power to turn someone's life around.  And in response to 'you are trying to change a culture that is slowly changing' - that is exactly my aim!!!! Also: No one person is going to save the young people. But as a group? I wouldn't even say it was just about the teachers looking out for those struggling, but bringing in various professionals to come into the school to speak about what mental illness means and how it may show in different people. It may mean that either a pupil goes up to someone and says they feel they may have the illness. It may mean that a friend sees the illness in another and opens up the conversation. It may mean that there is a ch...

Ok so today's post is going to be a small rant on the subject of schools (a topic I am sure someone more educated (no pun intended) and more knowledgeable that me could write about, but I'll do my best!).  Before I start I should say that I fully admire anyone who works in a school. The amount of work that goes into such a job is unbelievable. No one should take this in the way that teachers/schools are not appreciated. These are my views and take on the situation and should anyone feel that these are inaccurate, please do not hesitate to let me know. What is going on in the schools that so many young people are being looked over? What happened to 'Chanoch l'naar al pi Darko' - educating each child in the way in which they need to be helped; helping each child reach their individual potential?  There seem to be an increasing number of young people being diagnosed with mental health conditions yet from where I stand, there is still a huge lack of underst...

I wish I could wake up in the morning and eat cereal, or toast, or a croissant with butter and jam or a hot-cross bun. I wish I could get to 1pm and pick my purse up and go down to the canteen with my colleagues or run to the shops across the road and pick a sandwich I fancy. It amazes me that people can just pick up food and drink without second thoughts. I think about how different my life would be if I allowed myself to do what I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to the ingrained rules in my head. I am somewhat jealous of the carefree nature of those around me when it comes to food. So why not just pick up the croissant? Why not go down to the canteen? The solution sounds so obvious. If someone told me they wanted to eat a piece of cake or a packet of crisps, I wouldn’t even question it, so why are the rules concerning food different for me? Now, I am not stupid and I have a certain amount of common sense (IMHO!) Yet it is so odd how an eating disorder throws all...

I asked whether anyone has any questions they would like to ask, or any tips they would like to give me or my readers.  I have now had the time to properly have a look at the questions asked and hope I can give answers that are useful! Q: When you are at your lowest point, like, rock bottom, what helps you up? (besides medication!) I don't know if I have all the answers yet. I hate to say it, but I don't always know what to do when I hit rock bottom.  I think the most important think is not to isolate.  However bad you are feeling, you need to let someone  somewhere  know. By talking about what is going on, there is a connection even if it is just for a few minutes. It is hard to open up and explain what is going on  particularly  if you are not used to talking to people about how you are feeling.  I now know that however much I have tried to make myself  believe  that my depression and the co-morbidities were of my ow...

Firstly I want to apologise for my last post.  I'm sorry for those I may have hurt. Please know that however bad things are, it is not because people don't care, or that I feel they don't care.  I know you care so much and I can't even express what it means to me to have you asking me how I am when I write a post like my last one. I think it is difficult for me to explain how a person can have everything they could ever want but still feel the sadness and loneliness that depression brings.  I feel guilty that I have so much in my life yet still have times where I feel I have nothing and see no point. I feel ungrateful that I have you all routing for me, but I still have those nights. It seems unfair that time, money and energy is spent on helping me but I give in and let my depression take over. I think I need to remind myself and maybe those reading this that feeling depressed and low is not necessarily about what a person has materialistically - it needs ...