When Black Becomes a Rainbow

9 months ago I lost my Dad to cancer.  Honestly I cannot believe it has been 9 month already. The past year has been such a confusing time going through all the 'firsts' without him. This week we had Purim without him. Next month it will be Pesach. It was only 2014 when we lost my paternal grandfather and only early 2016 that we laid my Dad's Mum to rest. My Dad was only 66 (just) when he passed and honestly it feels 'unfair' that he was taken so young. My Dad was the kindest person I have ever known. He would give to everyone and anyone without a second thought. He had a love for life and all the small things that most people don't spare a thought to. He was so knowledgeable and held a ridiculous amount of information. He knew everything about anything and if you needed advice, Dad was who you turned to.  In the last few months I have learnt so much about loss. Grief is not something one can describe or explain. Going through the process with my family, it is o...

 12 years ago I started a blog to detail my journey into 'recovery' from mental illness.  In the years I wrote on here I received so much support and love through these pages and I liked to think that I helped someone somewhere in the world to feel less alone. In 2016 I went through a horrendous trauma at the hands of my local NHS mental health Trust. I found it almost impossible to open up about this as it was the people who were meant to help me in crisis that lead me to such a distressing place. I went through a court case and had to speak in front of a judge and jury of the assault that happened to me. I lost my ability to speak out after that. I was scared, alone and afraid. I almost lost my life more than once after this. It may have been 8 years since the assault but I still relive the trauma I went through almost daily. Finding others who have been in similar situations has once again made me feel stronger in the fight to be heard - our experiences should not be for no...

I was recently sent this picture by someone. At the time I was in hospital and in truth, it meant nothing to me other than flippancy. To me it made light of my suffering. I never asked for cracks; I never wanted a broken mind. I didn't want to be repaired,  I wanted to be perfect.  In all honesty, there have been many time in the past few years that I felt broken beyond repair. It's a scary feeling. However this Japanese idea of kintsikuroi hit me last night when I went to play a game of netball. I used to  really enjoy this sport and was at one time quite good.  However, due to lengthy hospital stays, rapid weight gain and lack of confidence, I dropped out of the game.  Last night I decided to go for it. It was a big step for me. However, I realised I was going to have to wear my short sleeve T-shirt (we play inside and it gets pretty warm!). But this would show my obvious 'cracks' - the places on my body that I have inflicted harm to myself when I have...

So, winter has come upon us once again; and I, like most people, find this time of year to be a difficult one due to the depressive darkness and cold. However, on the up side, I have recently  started to use the things in my life that keep me going on a daily basis to try help other people. For those not in the know, I am the mother of 16(!) little fluffy things. I have 11 guinea pigs, 3 hamsters and 2 degus . These guys keep me occupied most of my free time and to be honest, are the only things that can get me out of bed most mornings . Animals are amazing therapy when your'e feeling sad or low. They are so precious each in their own way and are thankfully more content with long silences and low eye contact than human beings seem to be! I mean how could you resist this face?! I have recently made the slightly mad decision to start taking them out and about on wheels (well, in a pram) to visit people who need cheering up. So far we...

My toe is infected; it’s been an ongoing problem. I go to the GP and get referred to a specialist. The specialist decides to assess my toe. Apparently it will take some time to get to know the way my toe works and why it got infected. The specialist has a team who are meant to be helping out but one member of the team unfortunately breaks the other foot instead. ‘Let’s ignore the broken foot’ they say. We’ll continue to look at why the toe has got infected. We’ll continue to assess not treat.' The infection has spread by now to the whole foot. I now can’t walk. No treatment offered, no apology for the breaking of my foot. ‘We’ll keep assessing’ they say. One specialist leaves and another takes his place. ‘Well of course we have to start the assessment again - we don’t really know what the other specialist did in the 9 months he saw you, so we’ll start again. We’ll still ignore the broken foot and leave you to deal with that yourself.’ Another professional from a differen...

Depression is a living nightmare Anxiety is horrendous PTSD is pain beyond anything imaginable.  Having ASD makes life generally difficult in so many ways.  Losing a pet is soul destroying. Feeling like you have ruined your family is guilt that can never go away. But you know what's important? The visitors who have come, the messages I have received. The family members who treck a way to get here to visit.  The staff on the ward here have been unbelievable. I feel so so lucky to be on this ward and have the support I have. The psychiatrist i am under here is a trustee of the local farm and part of my care plan is to go there and see the piggies and small furries.  Although things are beyond difficult in terms of the suicidal voices in my head, I feel like there may be a little bit of hope somewhere.  Thank you to each and everyone of you who has been there for me. It means the world ❤️

"It feels like one long nightmare; like being held under water, unable to catch a breath. It seems endless, ceaseless, incessant. The pain surpasses any other pain I have ever felt. There is a mixture of hatred, anger and guilt. Fear, hopelessness, helplessness. There are unanswered questions, confusing emotions. There is disorder and turmoil within, chaotic and out of control. And the worst part? That I can’t share it. Who can I tell? Who can understand? It didn’t just happen overnight. It happened gradually over the four weeks I was there. I had no idea what was taking place until it was too late. Too late to pretend nothing had happened. I would do anything to go back in time and erase those four weeks from my life. I have tried to obliterate it, but to no avail. It won’t budge. It stays with me as long as I live. And to be quite honest, that terrifies me. For I have seen in the past few months that I am unable to survive with it inside of me" ----------...

Just over 3 years ago I wrote a blog post about my experiences on a psych ward. I wrote about the more positive aspects of being in hospital, the support I received and just generally making light of my time spent on the ward. I do that. I try to make light of things. I just want everyone around me to be happy; and my way of managing this and controlling this is by showing that all is going well. But today I am not sugar coating. Psych wards are not fun.  There are very few positives that can come from being in one, and my experiences last year are ones I would not wish on anyone. I can't and won't go into detail, however it is safe to say that I am scarred. I trusted when I shouldn't have done and the consequences of this lead to 6 months in 9 different wards and some shocking 'care' in the hand of the NHS. Last year I lost my job, the majority of my friends and a large part of myself. I lost confidence in myself and most of society. I still have flashbacks f...

These are my thoughts.   Please do not worry/contact anyone. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY UPSET/TRIGGERED Do you know how it feels to be different? Do you know how it feels never to fit in? Imagine being alone and nobody knowing where you were or what you were doing Imagine not being able to see a future Have you ever felt the desire to disappear? Have you ever thought you were better off dead? This is depression This is the reality of my life right now I look strong I come across as secure and knowledgeable I'm not I'm weak and insecure A failure A waste of space How can I continue like this? How can I be in this world living a lie? Someone take me away from here Someone save me from this pain It physically hurts me to feel this way It hurts my head, my heart, my whole body is protesting being alive Guilt takes over Guilt destroys any part of me wanting to live I have destroyed everyone around me slowly ...

I really hate this time of year. Sadly I don't remember a time that I didn't. Pesach is not easy when you have mental health problems, and although I no longer struggle in the way I used to struggle with my eating, I do still remember the difficulties I had in having to adapt to a different diet and restrictions. Pesach is also hard if you struggle to adapt to change in general. All holidays have this added stress of life not going on as normal - day to day life is disrupted and there is a lack of structure which is hard to get used to. Holidays are therefore harder than normal for those with adjustment disorders or Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Something I have not mentioned on here before (and have not told many people at all), is that I have recently been diagnosed with a form of autism known as Pervasive Developmental Disorder , a condition similar to Asperger's Syndrome . I haven't been so open about this until now as I have not known how to exp...

For as long as I can remember I have been different to those around me.  My interests weren’t the same as others, my ability to express myself was limited and instead of being able to verbalise my struggles, I only managed to keep them inside of me.  From a young age these internalised struggles rapidly turned into anxiety, depression and anorexia. I didn’t have a clue about mental illness when I was a teenager.  This wasn’t something taught about in school, not something spoken about at home and certainly something seen as ‘taboo’ within the Orthodox Jewish Community. I am the third of a family of 6 children and both my older siblings were straight A students with an innate ability to manage a good social life. At 14, both my older siblings left home and concurrently my grandmother was diagnosed with terminal Cancer. In tandem with this, I became more introverted and found I wasn’t able to understand the interests and activities my classmates and peers found to be so...

As promised, I am back here again. Life seems to have taken over and I have got back into the swing of things. I have had a job interview and I'm now the proud Mum of 6 guinea pigs and a hamster. I am also apparently mothering an expectant guinea pig so I am going to be a PigGrandma soon. I'm too young to be a Grandma! These are my beauties (I am *slightly* obsessed): In reality, it is hard not to keep going over the past and what has happened; intrusive thoughts seem to have a way about them making it hard to block them out at times. But instead of using these negative flashbacks to punish myself and remind myself of bad times, I need to learn to embrace my difficulties and use them to show me how much better things are now. I realised in the past year that I no longer believe in 'recovery'. Don't get me wrong - many people who have had mental illness can 100% recover from this.  There are however many who will not fully recover.  Mental illness will ...

Having just been asked to speak at a small event for a local mental health charity, I started typing up a short speech. Once I started I realised how much I missed writing.  I totally forgot how cathartic it is. So maybe I am back!? There is a lot to catch up on – the last time I wrote properly on here was August 2015 and a LOT has happened since then.  I’m not going to go into all the details – too lengthy and boring! In short, 2016 was not my year. I spent 6 months+ between December 2015 and July 2016 on various different wards in a variety of hospitals, struggling to manage my depression. It was the worst time of my life and I never want to repeat any of those experiences again.  In the past year I lost so much including my job, my old treatment team and so many friends.  I don’t blame anyone for leaving me; I  was struggling to survive and was not able to be there for anyone. For those who stuck with me – thank you! I know it was hard ...

So I've been wearing the most comfy shoes known to man for quite some time now. They are quite literally falling apart but I can't allow myself to get rid of them until I find a suitable replacement. The thing is, what makes them comfortable is the fact that I have worn them in and spent months shaping them to fit snugly on my feet. If you were to put them on, you would more than likely kick them off in disgust firstly due to the fact that they have holes in random places (which may or may not make your feet wet when it rains), but also because they won't fit you like they fit me.  Now all of this is a literal comparison to something so much bigger. Something we have all had someone say to us in our lifetime - don't judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes.  I find the basic concept of this quite hard. Because if I were to walk a mile in someone else's hypothetical shoes, I would be doing so with my own brain, my own connections to the world around...

I received my result for my law degree last week and I am proud to say I managed to get my 2:1.  Yes, a first would have been amazing, but to be honest there was no way on earth that was going to happen.  When I think about what I have battled with alongside this degree I do wonder how I got to where I am.  Having been quite unwell for the majority of the 7+ years I have been studying, I look back and see that though it may have been slow, it was progress.  I got there in the end. I have studied through many a breakdown and hospitalisation and it feels so rewarding to finally say I did it.  I am not a naturally clever person – I can't get 90% on an exam without a huge amount of work.   I know I have to work hard to get results. And many a time I have doubted myself; and I still do!  But maybe the letters LLB (Hons) after my name can give me the reminder I need that actually I haven’t failed and I have achieved something. I have...